Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [76]
One book I read this summer was about two girlfriends who spent their lives competing with each other. If one said, “I like that boy” the other one would connive to seduce him. When one wanted a part in a play, the other one schemed to be selected. Not because she was interested in acting. No it was out of spite, out of getting something the other one wanted. With friends like that who needs enemies?
Another book I read was about a man who appeared to be a model citizen in a small town, until his past caught up with him. As a youth he had raped and murdered a girl, fled and managed to change his identity. The wife hadn't a clue who she was married to. When he was arrested he said, “but I'm not the same person now.” As the wife investigated what had actually happened she understood that he hadn't healed. He hadn't changed at all.
Only last weekend I watched a two part series about a Prussian king, his sister, her lover and his commander. The king and commander were so jealous of the love affair that they stopped at nothing to keep the star crossed lovers apart. It was an incredible testament to how far humans will go to force their will upon another, without regard to what was right or wrong. The destructiveness they played out was horrifying. In the very end the king allowed the lovers to be free, but they had to leave the country. I watched in morbid fascination. I needed to understand what drives people to get so blinded by their possessiveness that they have no qualms about destroying the very thing they claim to love.
It feels as if the drive to possess is fueled by hate, not love. What often happens in abusive relationships is when the game is up and the abused partner leaves, the abuser thinks, “if I can't have you, then I will make sure nobody else will.” This is when they are most dangerous, because they would rather kill you than set you free. What's love got to do with that? Nothing, not a thing.
We all experience jealousy and envy at some point in life. I had a bout with feeling intensely angry at the success of another therapist. My rational mind knew I was being totally illogical, that the clients that went to her weren't mine. But I felt left out. I felt like I wasn't seen. I didn't feel valued. I felt very jealous and envious of the other therapist's apparent ease in making her practice thrive. I let my emotions out in therapy. The crazy thing about the experience is I really liked the therapist I was jealous of. But in order to heal I had to let myself feel the feelings, and acknowledge that I did indeed have them. Yes, to let myself be human. I suspect it's when we try to pretend we don't have those murky feelings that we tend to act them out. Which only causes more problems.
My heart overflows
A few days have passed. My awareness has totally shifted. I feel so grateful and I see such beauty that my heart overflows. Last night I dreamt that my dresses needed ironing so that is what I have been doing this morning. I put on heart music by the opera singer Barbara Hendricks. Her rendition of Ave Maria touches my heart in an even deeper way today. My heart opens and I feel the beauty, the love and I am so aware of how beautiful everything is. Looking out the window it is so beautiful, the butterflies, the flowers, the trees, the lake and the sun.
I am amazed there are so many more tears in me. But this time it's about gratitude, an appreciation of life and a deep thankfulness of all that I have let go of. Even though the last few months have been the most difficult in my entire journey I am so incredibly grateful that I finally got to the bottom of that barrel. I am done with the experience of friends and others who are out to sabotage my life. Now I am free to love and create a whole new life in love.
There is such love flowing into my heart that tears spill over. I marvel at how I have cried in sadness, in fear, in anger, in guilt and how wonderful it now is to cry because life is so beautiful. Yes this is