Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [75]
I wrote a lot about my longing to connect physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually with a man in my second book. Little did I understand how disconnected my own parts were. During the night I have been awake with a lovely sensuality in my body that has been long absent. The years I've spent working through my emotional pains have been painfully absent in relationships and sexual experiences. I've had close friends, yes, and have learned how to build an emotional support system.
Before I started to work on my emotional issues, I had lots of sexual experiences, but they were not so emotionally connected. Now I understand why I was unable to and why I've had to connect up my parts in sections. If I had tried to be present sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually all at the same time, I would have blown a fuse. So the universe sets it up perfectly so we can uncork one aspect at a time. Then, finally, integration comes. The emotions I have experienced in reconnecting with the Brussels life have been so intense, if they had come sooner, or while in relationship, I doubt I could have coped. I needed to surface and release them so I could handle the energy of being in a twosome with all of me.
Presence is being human
When I talk about being present, I really mean that we need to allow ourselves to be human and in our bodies. It means we get to be pouty, or bouncy or sad. It means that when we have sex it won't always be wonderful, it may bring up anger or other feelings we think aren't allowed, but the more we let it rip, so to speak, the more human we become. The trick is to catch all our mental beliefs about how it should be and lifting the lid just a tad to let the real me and you come out. That's really what love is. To be human.
To be human involves feeling all emotions, whether “nice” or not. The father from the Brussels life has awakened some very dark and murky emotions in me, and that is appropriate. I feel vengeful and spiteful, I feel vicious, and afraid all at the same time. I experience panic and deep fear that the “father” is spreading insinuations about me, like I am mentally ill or have totally lost it. I feel panicked at being attacked, or meeting another “friend” who is not at all who they appear to be, who is out to manipulate and control me, someone I can't trust. I feel intense murderous anger. I imagine doing all kinds of physical violence as I experience this deep rage. I get really furious with God “I deserve happiness, I deserve to be loved, I am so angry and pissed at you for allowing this to happen!”
Yes it is ok to feel angry with God too. I feel panic about where I'm to go, panic that I won't know what to do. The feeling is familiar that I won't have a place to go. I'm sure I experienced that feeling in Brussels, it's like being in prison, you are stuck with no way out.
Yet the spiritual side of me understands that in order to appreciate and know goodness, evil must be allowed to exist. It's funny that a close friend of mine sent me the Yogananda book on why God permits evil for a Christmas present last year. Divine timing I would say. If we didn't have evil, we wouldn't know how good good is, and we would neither appreciate it nor seek it out. We do grow by experiencing opposites and contrasts. If we experience the same thing all the time, we tend not to appreciate it and we don't grow much when life gets too routine. That's when we tend to lose the zest for life.
Life imitates life
If we pay attention to what books come our way and what television shows we watch we can see how life imitates life. We can then try to understand how the themes in them reflect our experience of life. Prior to doing the regression that unearthed the Brussels life, I had been watching a reality game show called Paradise Hotel. I couldn't for the life of me understand my morbid fascination with this show. Well it's all about deceit and treachery, playing games behind each other's backs in order to “win.” So it was very appropriate indeed. By watching the show it focused my awareness