Middle of Everywhere - Mary Bray Pipher [120]
Ambition and Initiative
Being a hard worker requires motivation and stamina. It requires time-management skills, the ability to work with others, and the ability to do what one is told and more.
Mohamed exemplifies these attributes. Within a few weeks of his arrival, he'd signed up for GED classes and was going to a mosque, working two jobs, and sending money to Africa. His employers respected him because he always offered to do more than his share of work. He was on time and never called in sick. He was taking driving lessons and computer classes in his spare time.
Verbal Expressiveness
One of the most important attributes is simply being able to express one's needs clearly and appropriately. Being able to communicate thoughts and feelings, to ask good questions, and to articulate problems are all aspects of this attribute.
Walat at Sycamore School was able to communicate clearly. He knew what he knew and what he didn't know. He asked for help when he needed it. In contrast, Trinh and Abdul were silent about their needs and feelings and hence were much harder to help. Knowing one needs information and knowing how to ask for it are critical survival skills.
Positive Mental Health
Many people have "a talent for happiness." Long ago La Rochefoucauld seemed to know this when he wrote, "Happiness and misery depend as much on temperament as on fortune." Positive mental health requires an optimistic nature, a sense of humor, and the ability to appreciate and enjoy what one can in the midst of sorrow.
Bintu is a good example of this. In spite of all her misfortune she is a joker and a seeker of fun. The Even Start mothers also exemplify this attribute. They worked all day in factories, then cared for their families and came to class. Many had lost children, husbands, and homes. However, I have rarely been with a happier group of women, all jokes, smiles, and high hopes and kindness to the teacher and one another.
The Ability to Calm Down
These skills, which include deep breathing, putting things into perspective, and optimistic thinking, allow people to stay calm and positive, to forgive themselves and others, to sleep nights, to avoid addictions or impulsive behaviors, and to control feelings in the face of great sadness and trauma. These are the skills Martin Seligman teaches in his work on "learned optimism" and Daniel Goleman teaches as "emotional intelligence," a concept pioneered by Peter Salovey and John Mayer.
Many people get into trouble because they cannot tolerate pain. They run from it, try to drink it away, or inflict their pain on others. Stoicism, or being able to endure pain, is an important attribute of resilience. Wendy Kaminer defined stoicism as "the strength to tolerate sorrow."
Because refugees have experienced pain and chaos, many of them have had a chance to develop good coping skills. Tharaya and Velida could tolerate the pain of their pasts. Velida even coped with her brain tumor in a stoic and heroic way. Even as the Afghani women struggled with great sadness, they did what they needed to do to take good care of their children.
Nithal was a high school student from the Nuba Mountains in Sudan. She helped her mother with many younger siblings, made A's at high school in her fourth language, and gave talks about her people to raise money for supplies. Nithal was shy, but she spoke clearly as she told of the tragedy of war in her country. One quarter million of her people had died and the attacks on them continued. Nithal's father was Yousif Kowa, leader of the Nuba people. He stayed in the Nuba Mountains to fight for his people, but he sent his family to America to be safe. "While I wrote this book, Yousif died. Nithal said of her father's death, "He has been gone so much. It's easy to think of him as on a journey. I like to think that this trip is a safe one. "We will be together when