Middle of Everywhere - Mary Bray Pipher [121]
Flexibility
Flexibility means simply that one can behave differently in new situations. One can assess the situation and act accordingly. It's being adept at cultural switching. Flexibility also involves understanding the concept of point of view, that is, knowing that different people have different perspectives and that all behavior is contextual.
The high school students come to mind as moving between worlds, being traditional at home and American at school. Liem is an example of someone adept at cultural switching. He adopted Vietnamese ways at home and mostly American behaviors at school. He managed to stay out of trouble and work toward his goals in a very complicated environment.
Anton was having more trouble. He was in a safe place now, but his behavior remained that of a person in a war zone. His mother also had trouble being flexible. She and Anton would have had an easier time if they had been able to change a little and trust others in a new, more trustworthy place.
Intentionality, or Being Thoughtful about Choices
In the United States, where there are so many choices, it's imperative to make careful decisions, to choose wisely what to do and not do. It's also important to be able to pick wholesome friends who will help with adjustment and to make good choices about work, housing, schools, time, and money. It's necessary to rapidly develop consumer skills and some sophistication about media and advertising. One of the most useful skills is knowing the difference between what one wants and what one needs.
Mohamed was an intentional person. He realized cars were expensive and decided to bike as long as he could, at least until his first Nebraska winter. He knew to stay away from credit cards, nicotine, alcohol, and useless products. He was a good judge of people and soon had solid, intelligent friends around him.
Lovability
Lovability is a complex attribute that includes many qualities from other attributes. Certainly energy, verbal expressiveness, empathy, and good character are all part of being lovable. It's an elusive quality, but we all know it when we see it. Lovable people make us feel good. We want to be with them and we want to make them happy.
There were no refugees more lovable then the Kurdish sisters. With their bright eyes and hearty laughter, their jokes and eager curiosity about the world, and their enthusiasm for parties, for dressing up, for camping trips and adventures, they were easy to love. I never was with them without enjoying myself, without feeling cared for and appreciated, and without learning something new about the world.
The Ability to Love New People
Originally I thought lovability might be the most important attribute of resilience. People who are loved are granted favors, given advice and privileges. They are invited to events and awarded scholarships. But I now realize that even more important than being loved is being able to love.
Caring for others is what motivates humans to get out of bed in the morning. It gives life purpose and meaning. Especially if one has had great losses, the best cure is to find new people to love. Zahra, the bereft Afghani grandmother, was saved when she became interested in Ritu's children. Bintu befriended needy refugee families here and worked for the children in her refugee camp in Ghana. With all that had happened to Bintu, if she did not have this skill, she could not have survived psychically. She cared for herself by caring for others. And there was Ly, the Vietnamese schoolgirl who thought I, a very ordinary fifty-four-year-old woman, was beautiful.
A man in our town lost his wife in the same time period that one of his daughters had triplets and the other had twins. He alternated nights at his daughters' homes, getting up to help feed and change the babies. Mercifully, he had five new people to love as he dealt with the loss of his wife.
A friend of mine lost her daughter to cancer. Shortly after this untimely death, her first grandchild was born. This new baby came into her life at a time of great need and gave