Middle of Everywhere - Mary Bray Pipher [95]
I once saw a vivid demonstration of power reversals in families. A psychologist asked members of the audience to stand in order of the power distribution of traditional families—old men first, then other adult men, then women by age, and lastly, children. He spoke about assimilation rates for the genders and different ages. Then he had the group stand in the order of who learned about America the most rapidly; The order was exactly reversed—first children, then younger women, then younger men, and last were the elderly.
Gender issues raise some of our thorniest problems. In traditional cultures the lines of power and authority are clearly drawn. Men and older people wield power over women and younger people. Men and women have separate spheres and distinct cultural roles, roles that are difficult to maintain in America. Because of economic pressures and laws regulating education, property, divorce, and domestic violence, traditional roles are compromised. For the first time, many women experience the freedom to work, to go to school, and to marry whomever they choose.
However, women may experience a lack of protection and support. They may be frightened by all their new freedoms and uneasy with the responsibility to choose that comes with them. Ironically, the freedom that women have in our country can lead to a tightening of male control. Men feel threatened by the changes and react by becoming more controlling. Gender role strains contribute to domestic violence or divorce.
Parents tend to be poor and overworked, often holding two jobs or working endless overtime and double shifts. Many parents rarely see their children. A man from Honduras drives a truck long distances and is home with his family at most one night a month. The rest of the time he sleeps in his truck. He cannot afford to call home. Once I talked about a book I was reading with a mother from Croatia. She said, "I wish that one day I would have time to read a book."
Families from certain parts of the world have not been exposed to advertising, sexually explicit materials, or graphic violence in the media. American sleaze is everywhere, and everyone in the family is vulnerable. Refugees have the same problems we all have with MTV, Howard Stern, slasher movies, and sexist music. But they are less prepared. I met a three-year-old Kurdish girl whose first word was chalupa from Taco Bell ads. She only wanted to eat what she saw on television. A Syrian mother told me with horror that her son had bought a Penthouse magazine. I talked with a Russian man who was one thousand dollars in debt two weeks after he received his first charge card. These are new problems for traditional families.
Refugees' families can be marginalized by poverty and racism. Newcomers learn to look at their cultures through American lenses, and what they see isn't positive. Psychologist Michael White describes people as being "recruited into prejudice," that is, they learn to see themselves as inferior by seeing themselves through the eyes of prejudiced others. Prejudice, what Latinos call "mal trato," leads to depression and internalized feelings of worthlessness.
Among adults there are many psychological meltdowns. Immigrants often feel like small children. For a while they lose control of their lives and feel stupid, helpless, and lost. Lola's husband was a soccer star in Yugoslavia, but here he can't find work. He is depressed and helpless. Many fathers who are "retired" or "too sick to work" are really incapacitated by stress.
CUSTOMS AND PRACTICES ACROSS CULTURES
Children from traditional cultures depend on their parents for emotional support and moral guidance for as long as they live. Children owe parents lifelong respect, obedience, and love. Daughters live at home until marriage, and sons often live with their parents all their lives. In many countries, the old are revered and cared for. Nursing homes are unthinkable.
From conception until death, things are done differently in different