Mistakes Were Made - Carol Tavris [83]
Successful partners extend to each other the same self-forgiving ways of thinking we extend to ourselves: They forgive each other’s missteps as being due to the situation, but give each other credit for the thoughtful and loving things they do. If one partner does something thoughtless or is in a crabby mood, the other tends to write it off as a result of events that aren’t the partner’s fault: “Poor guy, he is under a lot of stress”; “I can understand why she snapped at me; she’s been living with back pain for days.” But if one does something especially nice, the other credits the partner’s inherent good nature and sweet personality: “My honey brought me flowers for no reason at all,” a wife might say; “he is the dearest guy.”
While happy partners are giving each other the benefit of the doubt, unhappy partners are doing just the opposite.5 If the partner does something nice, it’s because of a temporary fluke or situational demands: “Yeah, he brought me flowers, but only because all the other guys in his office were buying flowers for their wives.” If the partner does something thoughtless or annoying, though, it’s because of the partner’s personality flaws: “She snapped at me because she’s a bitch.” Frank doesn’t say that Debra did a crazy thing, following him around the house demanding that he talk to her, and he doesn’t say she acted that way because she was feeling frustrated that he would not talk to her; he calls her a crazy person. Debra doesn’t say that Frank avoided talking after the dinner party because he was weary and didn’t want to have a confrontation last thing at night; she says he is a passive person.
Implicit theories have powerful consequences because they affect, among other things, how couples argue, and even the very purpose of an argument. If a couple is arguing from the premise that each is a good person who did something wrong but fixable, or who did something blunderheaded because of momentary situational pressures, there is hope of correction and compromise. But, once again, unhappy couples invert this premise. Because each partner is expert at self-justification, they each blame the other’s unwillingness to change on personality flaws, but excuse their own unwillingness to change on the basis of their personality virtues. If they don’t want to admit they were wrong or modify a habit that annoys or distresses their partner, they say, “I can’t help it. It’s natural to raise your voice when you’re angry. That’s the way I am.” You can hear the self-justification in these words because, of course, they can help it. They help it every time they don’t raise their voice with a police officer, their employer, or a 300-pound irritating stranger on the street.
The shouter who protests, “That’s the way I am!” is, however, rarely inclined to extend the same self-forgiving justification to the partner. On the contrary, he or she is likely to turn it into an infuriating insult: “That’s the way you are—you’re just like your mother!” Generally, the remark does not refer to your mother’s sublime baking skills or her talent at dancing the tango. It means that you are like your mother genetically and irredeemably; there’s nothing you can do about it. And when people feel they can’t do anything about it, they feel unjustly accused, as if they were being criticized for being too short or too freckled. Social psychologist June Tangney has found that being criticized for who you are rather than for what you did evokes a deep sense of shame and helplessness; it makes a person want to hide, disappear. 6 Because the shamed person has nowhere to go to escape the desolate feeling of humiliation, Tangney found, shamed spouses tend to strike back in anger: “You make me feel that I did an awful thing because I’m reprehensible and incompetent. Since I don’t think I am reprehensible and incompetent, you must be reprehensible to humiliate me this way.”
By the time a couple