Monster - A. Lee Martinez [22]
“What are you talking about?” Monster did a whiny imitation of Chester. “‘She did kind of get you out of a jam.’ Isn’t that what you said?”
“Yes, but that didn’t mean I thought you should give in to her.”
“Then why didn’t you just keep your trap shut?”
“I don’t know. I like her, I guess.”
“You like her? What’s to like about her? She’s grouchy, bitchy, and hard to get along with. I can’t stand people like that.”
“No surprise there,” Chester mumbled, but it was a stage mumble. The kind that could be heard across the street.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Monster. “Oh, nothing.”
Monster glowered at Chester. “It’s just, people don’t generally like people who remind them of themselves. Or so I’ve read.”
“Are you calling me bitchy?”
“I’m just remarking on something I’ve read. That’s all.” Monster stood there and scowled unilaterally. “None of it matters anyway,” he said. “She’ll forget all about it by tomorrow. Probably sooner. But at least for a few minutes she’ll have something to look forward to.”
“Wow. That’s almost decent of you,” said Chester. “In a minimalistic, barely-do-anything kind of way.”
“What else could I do? Buy her a new wardrobe?”
“I wasn’t criticizing. I was paying you a compliment. Usually you’re too busy feeling sorry for yourself to notice other people’s problems. Nice to see some empathy now and then. Maybe this Judy brings out something good in you.”
“Her life stinks. My life stinks. I can relate. But that doesn’t really matter.” Monster shrugged. “She won’t be back.”
“I don’t know. She seemed kind of determined.”
“Hell, if you like her so much, why don’t you go work for her?” Monster tossed the kojin stone at Chester, who was caught off-guard, tipped over, and had his head flattened beneath it. Since he was flat to begin with, there was no noticeable effect.
“Put that someplace safe,” said Monster. “And for the record, I am not bitchy. Guys can’t be bitchy. It’s a genetic impossibility.” He walked away as Chester wiggled out from under the stone.
“Saved by a Y chromosome,” mumbled Chester, this time to himself.
6
Liz sat on the sofa, stitching together another one of her devil dolls.
“Hey,” she said. “Do you need some help with the groceries?”
Monster paused at the threshold. “Oh, crap. Sorry, I forgot.”
“Oh, that’s okay.” She nipped off the end of a thread with her sharp teeth. “Did you at least remember the dry cleaning?”
He cringed. He had remembered, all right, but the clothes had been in the back of his van. It was possible they’d survived the crushing, but he’d left them there.
“Don’t tell me you forgot.” There was a little fire in her eyes. “No, I didn’t,” he replied defiantly. “But there was this kojin, and…”
She scowled, and her fangs showed whenever she did. “Bless it, Monster—can’t I rely on you to do anything?”
“There was this kojin, this huge Japanese ogre with a hundred arms—”
“I know what a kojin is. What I want to know is why it kept you from getting my dry cleaning.”
“It wasn’t my fault.”
“It’s never your sacred fault. You blessed mortals always blame everyone but yourselves for your screwups.”
He adopted his soothing voice. “Take it easy, baby. There’s no need for that kind of language.”
“To Elysian, there isn’t! I have a big meeting tomorrow. I was going to wear my blood red suit. Mr. Moloch himself said I should wear it to make a good impression. Said it brought out the flames in my eyes.”
“Just start yelling,” he mumbled. “Nothing brings out the flames better than that.”
She was too busy seething to notice. Liz rarely lost control of her temper, but when she did, there was nothing to do but weather the storm.
“Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for this blessed promotion? Finally there’s an opening in Marketing, and I’m not going to get the sacrosanct thing because you”—she glared, and the carpet under her feet began to smolder—“can’t even blessing remember to pick up my blessed blood red suit.”
Chester poked his flat head under the front door.