Monster - A. Lee Martinez [69]
Ed and Judy tried to help him up, but Judy recoiled at the sticky drool that coated him. “Ew, gross.”
“I just spent half an hour crammed in a giant worm’s esophagus,” said Monster. “You’ll pardon me if my hygiene isn’t up to par.”
Ed said, “Didn’t I sanitize you?”
“That’s a cute word for it,” said Monster.
He threw a sucker punch into Ed’s gut. He followed with a blow aimed at her face but ended up hitting her in the throat. She choked.
Judy grabbed his arm.
Monster swung out with his other fist and smacked Ed in the jaw. She fell over.
He shook his hand. He didn’t have much fighting experience. It hurt like hell.
“Come on!” He yanked Judy toward the gate.
She pulled away. “What’s wrong with you?”
“I’m rescuing you.”
“Who says I need to be rescued?”
Groaning, Ed stood. Monster grabbed a decorative rock from the lawn and prepared to smash her across the skull with it.
Judy kicked him in the shin and he stumbled. The rock fell on his foot.
“Are you crazy?” he asked between fits of swearing. “I’m trying to help you.”
“You’re freakin’ out!” she said. “You could’ve killed her with that.”
“It would serve her right, considering she tried to kill me. That crazy bitch sicced a goddamn hydra on me.” Before Judy could stop him, he kicked Ed. “But I am a professional cryptobiological control agent!” Judy grabbed him in a half-nelson and pulled him back. Legs flailing, he still kept trying to kick Ed. “Bet you didn’t know that, didja, you crazy—”
Judy threw him to the grass.
“Are you all right?” she asked Ed.
“Is she all right?” Monster laughed as he sat up. “What about me? I don’t believe this. You drag me here, in the belly of a giant purple worm, against my will, and then, when I do try to rescue you, you keep screwing it up. You are seriously messed up, lady.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Monster, but I’m sure we could work this out if you’d stop being an asshole for a minute.”
“I’m the asshole!” he said with mock illumination. “Here I thought I was just some guy, another victim of your lousy subconscious. But it turns out, I was wrong and that somehow I’m the bad guy.”
Judy held out her hand, but he made a point of standing without taking it.
“Screw this. Who needs it? I’m going home.” He glared at Judy. “And if this is all in your subconscious, please, for the love of gods, let me be. No more Scottish goat men or winged horses or purple worms. You go your way. I go mine.”
Judy said, “I still don’t know what—”
“Sure you do. In the back of your head you do, anyway. And all I’m asking is for whoever runs things backstage to just let me walk out of this stupidity.”
She opened her mouth, but Monster placed a slime-coated hand over her face.
“Don’t say anything. Just nod. Please, just nod and let me know that somewhere, deep down inside, you understand and will stop screwing with my life.”
Glaring, Judy nodded. He removed his hand, and she gagged.
“Oh my God.” She retched and spit the slime from her mouth. “That stuff tastes like freeze-dried dog turds.”
He grunted and spat. The area of grass where he’d fallen was already beginning to yellow and die beneath the toxic worm goo.
“Jeepers,” said Ed. “I do hope Mrs. Lotus isn’t terribly upset when she discovers you’re still alive.”
“Wait a minute,” said Judy. “He’s telling the truth? You tried to kill him?”
Ed rubbed her neck, where a small bruise was forming. “Mrs. Lotus called it ‘sanitizing.’ She said it was… Oh, what was that word she used again?”
“Expedient,” said Lotus as she stepped onto the porch with a tray of tea and cucumber sandwiches. Ferdinand stood behind her.
Monster studied the gray-haired woman with the wrinkled face, long dancer’s legs, and obvious vitality. “I have no idea what is going on here, and I don’t really give a crap. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going home to take a shower before this slime rots away my skin, then get smacked around by my girlfriend and have some angry sex.”
“I’m afraid I can’t allow that just