Monstrous Regiment - Terry Pratchett [129]
Igorina packed up her bag and smiled brightly at the major.
“Ready to go, thur,” she said.
“At least remove the wig, eh?”
“It’th my own hair, thur,” said Igorina.
“Looks a bit…sissy, then,” said the major. “It would be better if—”
“I am, in fact, female, sir,” said Igorina, dropping most of the lisp. “Trust me, I’m an Igor. We know about this sort of thing. And my needlework ith second to none.”
“A woman?” said the major.
Polly sighed. “We all are, sir. Really women. Not just dressed up as women. And right now I don’t want to put any trousers on because then I’d be a woman dressed up as a man dressed up as a woman dressed up as a man, and then I’d be so confused I won’t know how to swear. And I want to swear right now, sir, very much.”
The major turned stiffly to Blouse.
“Did you know about this, Lieutenant?” he barked.
“Well…yes, sir. Eventually. But even so, sir, I would—”
This cell was an old guard room. It was damp, and had two creaking bunks.
“On the whole,” said Tonker, “I think it was better when we were locked up by the enemy.”
“There’s a grill in the ceiling,” said Shufti.
“Not big enough to climb through,” said Polly.
“No, but we can hang ourselves before they do.”
“I’m told it’s a very painful way to die,” said Polly.
“Who by?” said Tonker.
Occasionally the sounds of battle filtered through the narrow window. Mostly it was yells; often it was screams. Fun was being had.
Igorina sat staring at her hands.
“What wrong with these?” she said. “Didn’t I do a good job on that arm? But no, they’re afraid I might touch their privates.”
“Perhaps you could have promised to operate only on officers,” said Tonker. No one laughed, and probably no one would have bothered to run for it if the door had swung open. It was a proud and noble thing to escape from the enemy, but if you were escaping from your own side, where would you escape to?
On one of the bunks, Wazzer slept like a hibernating bear. You had to watch her for some time to see her breathe.
“What can they do to us?” said Shufti nervously. “You know…really do to us?”
“We were wearing men’s clothes,” said Polly.
“But that’s only a beating.”
“Oh, they’ll find some other stuff, believe you me,” said Tonker. “Besides, who knows we’re here?”
“But we got them out of prison! Our side!”
Polly sighed. “That’s why, Shufti. No one wants to know that a bunch of girls dressed up as soldiers and broke into a big fort and let out half an army. Everyone knows females can’t do that. Neither side wants us here, understand?”
“On a battlefield like this, who’ll worry about a few more bodies?” said Tonker.
“Don’t say that! Lieutenant Blouse spoke up for us!” said Shufti.
“What, Daphne?” said Tonker. “Hah! Just another body. They’ve probably locked him up somewhere, just like us.”
There was a distant cheering, which went on for some time.
“Sounds like they’ve got the building,” said Polly.
“Hooray for us,” said Tonker and spat.
After a while, a small hatch was opened in the door and a silent man handed through a big can of scubbo and a tray of horse-bread. It wasn’t bad scubbo or, at least, not bad scubbo by the standards of bad scubbo. There was some discussion about whether being fed meant you weren’t going to be executed, until someone pointed out the tradition of the Last Hearty Meal. Igorina gave it as her professional opinion that the stew was not only hearty but lungy and livery, too. But at least it was hot.
A couple of hours later, a can of saloop was handed through, with some mugs. This time, the guard winked.
An hour after that, the door was unlocked.
A young man in a major’s uniform stepped inside.
Oh well, let’s go on as we started, Polly thought. She leaped to her feet.
“Squaddd…. tennn…hut!” With reasonable speed, the squad at least managed to stand up straight and in a line.
The major acknowledged her by tapping the peak of his cap with a stick. It was definitely thinner than an inch.
“Stand easy…Corporal, isn’t it?” he said.
“Yessir.” That sounded promising.
“I am Major Clogston, of the Provost’s Office,” said the major. “And