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By Root 699 0

about fifteen times. I’d consult the lifeguards. I’d query everyone on the beach before maybe hitting the snack bar, having a cheeseburger, and then waiting the requisite half hour before even thinking about approaching the water again. I’d construct an elaborate list of pros and cons and then I’d run the whole thing past Fletch not only to get his opinion but also to encourage him to come up with the kind of bribe or challenge I almost always require before I’ll try something new.

But just diving in?

That’s the last thing on earth I’d have done. “Nobody just dives in the Atlantic the first time they see it! No one!” Then I clarify, “I mean, dogs maybe, but not people!” My heart hasn’t felt this buoyant since Zora and Evan Marriott got to split the unexpected seven-figure check on Joe Millionaire!

Poppy’s Boston accent comes out when she’s tired or drinking or under duress. She’s much more succinct in her reaction. “Oh, my mathafuckin’ Gaaawd!”

“She dove! I can’t believe she dove. That’s the bravest thing I’ve ever seen. I . . . I . . . I need to smoke now.” Blackbird scrambles in her bag for cigarettes and a lighter. Speechless, Poppy holds her hand out for one, too.

Angie emerges from the surf, brushing sand and stray bits of seaweed off herself. She heads back in our direction, and Blackbird and Poppy rise and give her a long, slow clap while Wendy tosses her a striped towel.

As Angie dries herself, she says simply, “So that’s the ocean. . . . I like it. And, hey, why do I have so much sand in my crotch?”

Okay, seriously?

This is so much better than a twelve-foot rigid inflatable raft.

To: gina_at_home

From: jen_at_home

Subject: suddenly my life has meaning again (okay, it had it before, but still)

I just found this while procrastinating in the TV/Film/Radio Jobs section on Craigslist. Tell me this isn’t the best trashy TV news you’ve heard in a while. (P.S. My thoughts are in italics.)

VH1 and BRET MICHAELS will hit the road literally . . . to find true love on the . . . “ROCK OF LOVE BUS with BRET MICHAELS”

VH1 is loading up a tour bus filled with beautiful babes and taking them on tour across the country. The Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels takes contestants out of the mansion and on the road in true rock star style. This season will feature all new ladies vying for Bret’s affection while traveling across America following Bret on a monthlong tour. The contestants will face new challenges to see if they can handle the rock star life on the road! If you are a sexy single lady looking for love who can party like a rock star, then this is the show for you! Ladies must be ages 21 and up. (No STDs? No problem! We can provide them for you!)

TO BE CONSIDERED, E-MAIL THE FOLLOWING INFO TO YOUR CLOSEST AUDITION CITY:

1. Your Name (Bonus points awarded if it ends in an I or ϒ)

2. Age (Don’t bother if you’re over 25. This bus does not stop in Cougar Town.)

3. What city you would like to audition in (Meaning “In which city is your strip club located?”)

4. Best phone #

5. Little about yourself and why you would be good for Bret (Meaning, “Send shots of yourself naked. Lots and lots of naked.”)

6. And be sure to ATTACH A FEW RECENT PICS of yourself AND Web page/MySpace url (See above.)

Aug. 1-10 CHICAGO (IL): ChicagoRock 1@xxxxCasting.net

Aug. 11-18 CINCINNATI (OH): OhioRock @xxxxCasting.net

Location: Chicago only

Compensation: $100/day

($100? I guess that’s the going rate for dignity these days. And, no, I can’t wait!)

CHAPTER FIVE

Outwit, Outlast, Outclassed

I got my ass kicked at the beach yesterday.

After Angie’s first dip, I joined her in the water. The other girls declared the water too cold—or the company too compelling—and stayed in their chairs. When I was a kid, I went to the beach all the time and kind of figured swimming in the Atlantic is like riding a bike—you never forget. Maybe I’d have to reperfect my wave-diving and bodysurfing skills, but that would only take a minute. Plus, I needed to hone my water proficiency