My Journey with Farrah - Alana Stewart [32]
April 30, 2008
So much is happening—too fast. It feels like life is spinning by so quickly I can’t catch my breath. Farrah’s results came back from Germany, and she does have two or three new tumors in her liver. The primary one, the original site, shows some activity and needs to be biopsied.
We have to go back to Germany within the next two weeks. Of course, I’ll go with her. Having said that, I feel a little depressed about leaving my home and my dogs again so soon. I can’t seem to get caught up. And I’ll be missing my birthday. Am I avoiding reality by continuing to go to Germany? My heart tells me I have to be with my friend, no matter what, and just trust that God will take care of me.
Mimmo left Monday night. I was sad to see him go but relieved in a way. On the one hand, he’s taking my mind off how things are with Farrah; on the other, I feel like I can’t get anything done when he’s here. I’m just confused as to how I feel about him. Very confused. He’s very hardheaded and states his opinion as though it’s absolute fact—silly things like which car is better than another—and yet I find myself disputing it. I guess I’m pretty stubborn, too. I do the same thing with George. He and Mimmo are similar in that respect. It must be the Leo in them. But why do I feel the need to challenge them and to be right? Why can’t I just enjoy Mimmo for the fun of it, like Farrah suggests? Again, it’s a way of deflecting closeness, pushing him away like I did with that little boy who brought me flowers when I was three. I shoved him down and he hit his head on the pavement. Poor little guy. He’s probably still on some therapist’s couch somewhere.
I just spoke to Marianne. How serendipitous that she would call at this instant. She said what I’m doing with Farrah is a holy thing, that being a friend and going with her is the highest form of love. And that I have a great guy there who loves me. God will take care of the rest. Be in the moment. She said the future is in your head and so is the past. It’s about being in the present moment and placing the future in the hands of God.
May 2, 2008
Good news, finally! Sean’s case was dismissed. I’ve never felt so relieved. Over the last couple of days, I’ve been sick with this virus from hell, so maybe now I won’t feel as stressed and I’ll get healthy. Tonight I went to a dinner at Lili and Dick Zanuck’s house for Dr. Jacob, who was in L.A. to see Farrah and some other patients. I’ve introduced her to all these people who now just love her: Lili, Cher, Farrah, Carole Bayer Sager, and a few of my other friends and acquaintances as well. Dr. Jacob is so busy with patients, I’m lucky if I can get her attention these days. She thinks a lot of my problems are in my mind. God knows maybe they are, but they sure seem real enough to me!
The dinner was really lovely, although four members of the Germany group didn’t show up because they got lost. George and Barbara were there. I still have some mixed feelings about that. It’s nothing against Barbara; I really like her. It’s just that I have some strange sense of abandonment now that George is actually in a relationship with someone. I always wondered how I would feel if it ever happened, but somehow I didn’t think it would. I think, in some weird way, our connection has kept me from being fully open to being with another man. I’ve always felt such loyalty toward George. I guess it’s like a brother or a father, but it’s even more than that. I’ve always felt like we’re soul mates, and I feel a little thrown by the whole thing with Barbara happening out of the blue
Complicating all this was the fact that Mimmo is still in the picture. I’m still confused about that, too. I want to be open to being with him, but although I’m ashamed to admit it, I feel like I want more. More what? More stability, more security, more of a feeling of safety? Is that so terrible of me or just totally honest? Am I being superficial or just clear about the kind of life I want to live at