My Journey with Farrah - Alana Stewart [31]
April 20, 2008
Mimmo is arriving in Los Angeles tonight. I’m really nervous. I don’t know how I’ll feel with him being in my house for over a week. Will I feel crowded? Eight days is a long time in close quarters, and it sure brings up my fear of intimacy and feeling claustrophobic. What if I’m not as attracted to him here on my home turf? I guess I just have to be open and not be judgmental or worried about what my friends will think about him. That’s the superficial part of me, and that’s not who I want to be. Also, I don’t need to try to make this fit into a certain mold. Even though it’s probably not forever, I can enjoy it for now.
April 23, 2008
I went with Farrah and Ryan today to get her scans. I felt sure it was going to be okay, or at least I didn’t allow myself to think otherwise. She seemed really calm, but I’m sure she was nervous. Who wouldn’t be? This would be the first scan since she was pronounced tumor free in February. Ryan was the worried one. It was almost as if he expected bad news.
Afterward Dr. Piro explained that one of the old tumors appeared to be active again, and two other tiny new ones had also shown up on the scan. On top of that, there appeared to be some activity in the rectal area, where the original cancer had started. He took us into a room where the technicians showed us the scans. It was kind of surreal. We were all in this dark room, watching these screens of her body while they pointed out the various places they thought were possibly active tumors. She started to cry softly. I was filming it all, although it was so dark you could only see the screens and the outline of everyone in there.
The last trip to Germany had been so positive; we were so jubilant; but now our mood had shifted drastically. While we always worry whenever there’s a new scan, I don’t think any of us had expected this news. Ryan pulled her close and said, “It’s okay. We’ll beat this.” Farrah pulled herself together, and before leaving the room even turned to thank the doctors who had given her the bad news. She and Ryan went outside into the hallway and he held her while she nestled her head on his shoulder. You could see the pain and fear in his eyes, but he was being brave for her.
We went downstairs, got into our cars, and left. Farrah and Ryan went back to her place to try to find the last scan from Dr. Vogl. All the scans they did today will have to be sent to him in Germany for the ultimate interpretation, since what appeared active could be the old dying tumors or inflammation. I pray that’s all it is, but I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
April 26, 2008
I haven’t had any time to write with Mimmo here. He came for an eight-day visit this time. I was really nervous that eight days would be too long—maybe just a little too much togetherness. Would I be able to handle it? Actually, I’ll miss him when he leaves, but I think I’ll also be a little relieved to get back to normal. God knows I need to recuperate from having so much sex! Also, I find myself keeping him at a distance. He continues to tell me he’s in love with me, but I’m not “in love,” whatever that means anyway. I’m just trying to stay in the moment and not analyze it too much, but most of all not judge. He’s not the stable, mature man I’d like if it were to be permanent. But this is who God has put in front of me in this moment. He’s sweet, intelligent, sexy, handsome, and hardworking. And he’s very good to me. He cooks great food for me; he washed all my windows; he’s great to my kids and my dogs. It’s kind of like having a wife, in a way. And on top of it he makes me feel safe and protected, strangely enough.
Farrah’s scans still haven’t reached Dr. Vogl. It’s ridiculous that she should have to wait until Monday to know what’s going on. I know she’s anxious and scared. She was starting to feel well and exercise a little. We have been going to Pilates together and she was starting to get stronger. In fact, it annoys me no end that she’s way stronger than me