My Journey with Farrah - Alana Stewart [52]
Right now, I’m torn between two people I love who both need me. I don’t want to desert Farrah, and yet I don’t want to disappoint Sean. He’s really counting on my being there because originally we were coming home before now. I know he’ll be crushed if I don’t show up. But I’m also afraid that because Farrah relies on me so much, she’ll feel very abandoned. I wasn’t going to worry her until I got it sorted out. But at last, I shared my dilemma with her.
“If I go, I’ll come straight back,” I promised.
I could tell she was nervous about it, but she said, “Don’t worry. If you need to go, I understand. It’s your son.” Of course she would understand because her own son, Redmond, means so much to her.
On top of it, Kim’s going through a really rough time in London. She wants me to come there and be with her. Our big issue is that she’s always felt I was there for the boys, with all their problems, and that she didn’t get as much of my time or attention. And of course I feel terribly guilty because of it.
I sent her an e-mail saying that I know I can’t change the past, but that I will try to be there for her now, in any way I can. I said that after I got home and got things straightened out there, I would go stay with her in London. I didn’t mention that I might be going home for Sean’s graduation. I know that would be another sore point. Once again she’ll feel like I was there for him and not for her.
Now Dr. Jacob says that there’s no way Farrah can travel before next Wednesday. I can’t figure all this out and I’ve got knots in my stomach. I feel like I’m being pulled in every direction. I’m trying to be completely selfless here, but what do I do when everybody seems to need me at once?
June 26, 2008
Farrah is somewhat better today. Dr. Jacob said she would stay with her over the weekend if I end up going, so that’s a relief. I just got an e-mail from Sean’s manager saying that the network and the producers won’t pay for my travel. I wish I could handle situations like this without getting so stressed out. Making difficult decisions seems to affect my whole system to the extent that I can’t think clearly. It feels like my brain is on the spin cycle of a washing machine. The thought of getting on a plane, flying all those hours, being jet-lagged, having to show up at the graduation ceremony, which may entail being there all day because they’re filming it—it’s overwhelming. Not to mention racing back to Germany to be with Farrah.
June 27, 2008
By the time I went to bed last night, I was exhausted and practically in tears. I started to feel unwell again, obviously brought on by stress. I talked to Lizzie, and she said I just had to be there for Sean. Apparently his girlfriend Caleigh broke up with him because she thought he’d cheated on her with some girl on the show, and Ash won’t do it, so I was the only one. I spoke to Sean and his manager, Prem, and said I’d be there. I booked a flight for Saturday, so I could make Sean’s graduation ceremony on Sunday. So it was settled. I felt terrible about leaving Farrah, but I knew I had to be there for my son. I told Farrah I’d turn around and come straight back if Ryan or someone else couldn’t come over to accompany her back.
Then I got an urgent e-mail from Sean’s manager to please call him right away. It seems that the producers had just changed the graduation to Saturday afternoon, which made it completely impossible for me to get there. I told him there was no way I could change everything to leave today. I couldn’t pack, check out of the clinic, and get to Munich in time for the plane. Besides that, there were no seats available. I felt terrible for Sean, but this was now out of my hands. It was the producers’ fault that I wouldn’t be there, not mine.
I called Sean in tears, and he seemed absolutely fine. He said, “Mom, I can’t talk. I have to go arm-wrestle Rodney King.” Then he put Rodney King on the phone with me. He’s his