My Journey with Farrah - Alana Stewart [54]
June 30, 2008
I guess God doesn’t want me to leave yet. Kim arrived last night around 10 P.M. I was so happy to see her. She begged me to stay longer, but Farrah was pretty intent on leaving Tuesday. She felt much better today, and she insisted on doing aquatics for quite a long time in the pool, which I thought was too much too soon, but of course she’s very determined when she wants to do something. I’d really prefer leaving Wednesday or Thursday, so I could spend more time with Kimberly, but I don’t know if Farrah will budge. My feeling is that we’ve been here five weeks, so what’s two more days going to matter?
Unfortunately, the decision was taken out of my hands. Farrah was sick again all night. Now Dr. Jacob says there’s no way we can leave tomorrow. I’m sorry it’s because she’s not well, but I’m relieved at the same time. It’s a lot to finalize—the bills, the tips, the packing, not to mention organizing all the medications we have to take home.
July 1, 2008
Kim and I had a really nice dinner at Mimmo’s. I was surprised at how nice she was to him, and he was so sweet to both of us. He’d bought me a bag of the white peaches he knows I love. When we got back to the clinic, Kim asked why I didn’t go have a drink and “hang out” with Mimmo. I told her things were a little strained and complicated at the moment. We ended up sitting in my room, talking for a really long time. She said she thought Mimmo was great looking and very sweet and pointed out how much he tries to please me. “Mom, he even bought you those apricots and I didn’t even know you liked them.” White peaches, I told her, but never mind.
She asked me about her dad and me—how we met, why we broke up. She said he always told her the biggest problem was that I didn’t like his friends. I admitted that was partly true and that I knew I was wrong. I’d realized after the fact that I regretted resenting his friends and his soccer playing. I think I resented anything—his work included—that took him away from me and the kids. He had his part, too, like staying out all night with the boys in the band after a recording session. As it became a regular occurrence, I became angrier because it was so different from the way things had been in the beginning. We’d been so wrapped up in each other, so madly in love in the first couple of years of our relationship, and when it began to slowly change, I desperately tried to hold on to what it had been.
Now, of course, I know that’s never possible. Relationships always evolve and change. But I didn’t understand that at the time; neither of us did. We were just both immature and stubborn.
This conversation was the first time Kimberly and I had ever talked so intimately. I feel like we’re starting to have a closer relationship, which is what I’ve prayed for, for a long time. I love my daughter so much. She can certainly be difficult, but she’s getting more open and understanding, and I really want to try to make up for whatever I didn’t or couldn’t do when she was younger.
It’s strange how things happen for the better when you least expect them. That a new relationship with my daughter should emerge in the midst of all this hell and chaos. I am learning so much about myself, about how if you open your heart, God heals it in wonderful ways. Had I not been here with Farrah, Kim and I never would have had this time together to talk and reconnect.
Maybe I’m also a changed person these days. A little sadder, yes, but a little wiser. A little more appreciative of what