My Journey with Farrah - Alana Stewart [79]
He continued rubbing oil on her while we talked about Texas and chicken-fried steak and turnip greens. I said I would make some this week and bring it over for all of us.
He said good-bye to her, and as he left the room, I leaned over to kiss her good-bye as well. “I love you, honey,” she said softly, looking rather exhausted by this point.
“I love you very much,” I said.
She kind of grimaced, and when I asked her what was wrong, she said, “I’m a little nauseous.”
“Shall I call Howard?” I asked.
She held her hand up and begged, “No…please!” She clearly meant she’d had enough for one night! Healing can be exhausting.
May 28, 2009
I went to the gynecologist at UCLA for my Pap smear. The last one in Germany was inconclusive. I get so nervous each time I have to have one now. I remember always admonishing Farrah in the years before she got cancer that she needed to slow down and take care of herself. She was always putting everyone else first and not taking time to rest and recuperate from stressful periods. She went through such a painful and exhausting time when her mother was dying in Texas. She practically lived in her hospital room for several months taking care of her. She ignored what should have been danger signals about her own health, and eventually she was diagnosed with cancer.
Now I feel like I’m doing the same thing. I guess that’s exactly what Howard is talking about. I feel like I haven’t been able to take any time for myself in too long. But how can I? There’s always so much in front of me to do. I feel like I desperately need a week’s vacation, but I can’t do it now. I can’t go away and leave Farrah for a week. I’m doing exactly what I was always fussing at her for doing, pushing myself unmercifully. But I don’t know how to stop.
I stopped by Farrah’s on the way home. Ryan had just arrived and we went in to see her. She wasn’t feeling so well. I asked her if it was all right if Howard came by later and she said it was.
“I’ll be back later,” I said.
“Are you leaving?” she asked.
“Yes, unless you don’t want me to,” I answered with a smile.
“I don’t want you to,” she said, smiling back.
“Okay, I’ll stay then,” I said. “Shall I make you some watermelon juice, like we had on our vacation in Mexico?” I thought the memory of that happy time would lift her spirits.
“Maybe just some watermelon…,” she answered with a feeble smile. “But I think I’ll have it later. Maybe I’ll sleep now.” Her eyes started to close. I kissed her gently on the forehead and quietly left the room.
When Howard came by, he showed Ryan how to do the kind of healing work he’d been doing on Farrah. He whispered to Ryan some thoughts he should hold in his head and his heart as he was doing it, and as Ryan held his hands close to Farrah, tears started to roll down his face. Farrah was completely present in the moment with him. He leaned down very close to her and spoke to her gently, asking her forgiveness, and she put her arms out and held him close. I was crying as well, watching this exchange that was more powerful than any love scene in a movie, because it was real.
It’s clear that these two people love each other with a love that is very deep, very special, and lasting beyond life and death. I feel like there has been an incredible healing between the two of them and that it includes Redmond as well. If only God will grant her a miracle and she can recover so that she can fully enjoy this healing of her family.
June 4, 2009
I’m on pins and needles waiting for Ryan to call. Dr. Piro is supposed to give us the results of Farrah’s CT scan yesterday. They took her to the hospital by private ambulance so Dr. Piro could do the scan and she could have a blood transfusion. He wants to keep her there a couple of days and try to build her up a little. I was kind of pissed off last night that the scan was done in the early afternoon and somehow the radiologist left before he and Dr. Piro could talk. Here we are, waiting nervously to find out these important results, which are available as soon as the scan