Mysteries - Knut Hamsun [81]
“What a pity, then, that this should have happened to you today,” she said. “You’ve been unlucky with your birthday this year. That’s all I can say about that.”
“Yes, of course.... God, what power you have! I can well understand how a man might be driven to any extremity for your sake. Even now, as you uttered those last words, which weren’t so pleasant after all, even now your voice was like a song. I felt as though my heart were bursting into flower. How strange! Do you know, I’ve wandered about in front of your home at night, trying to catch a glimpse of you at a window; I’ve been on my knees here in the woods praying to God for you, although I don’t believe in God very much. Do you see that aspen over there? I’m going to stop right here, because I’ve knelt under that aspen night after night, beside myself with despair, foolish and lost, simply because I couldn’t get you out of my mind. From here I’ve said good night to you every evening, I’ve lain here asking the wind and the stars to bring you my greeting, and I believe you must’ve felt it in your sleep.”5
“Why have you been telling me all this? Don’t you know that I—”
“Oh sure, sure!” he cut in, exceedingly agitated. “I know what you were going to say: that you have belonged to someone else for a long time and that it’s dishonorable of me to try to force myself on you now, afterward, when it’s too late—how could I not know that? Why, then, have I told you all this? Well, to influence you, make an impression on you, get you to think it over. As God is my witness, I’m speaking the truth, I can do nothing else. I know you are engaged to be married, that you are in love with your young man, and that I cannot get anywhere with you. Still, I decided to try to influence you a little, I refused to give up hope. If you can imagine what it means to give up all hope, then perhaps you’ll understand me better. When I said just now that I didn’t expect to get anywhere, I was lying, of course. I only said it to set your mind at rest for the moment and to gain time, so you wouldn’t become all too alarmed at once. Oh dear, did I say something wrong? I didn’t mean to say that you ever gave me any hope, nor have I ever imagined I could cut anyone out. That never even occurred to me, alas. But in certain moments, when everything seemed hopeless, I have thought to myself : All right, she’s engaged and she’ll soon be leaving, goodbye; but she’s not utterly lost to me yet, she has not already left, she’s not married, or dead, so who knows? And if I gave it my all, perhaps there would still be time! You’ve become my constant thought, my obsession, I see you in everything and call every blue stream Dagny. I don’t believe a single day has gone by during these past few weeks without my thinking about you. No matter at what hour I leave the hotel, as soon as I open the door and find myself on the steps, the hope shoots through my heart: maybe you’ll meet her this time! And I look for you everywhere. It’s quite beyond me, I just can’t help it. If I have now surrendered, I certainly didn’t surrender without a fight, believe me. It’s not a happy thought to know in your heart that your efforts have been sadly wasted and yet to be unable to refrain from making an effort; that’s why one resists to the very end. But what if it doesn’t do any good? When you spend a sleepless night sitting by the window in your room, you dream up all sorts of things! You have a book in your hand, but you don’t read; you