Mysteries - Knut Hamsun [82]
She had listened to him in utter dismay, without uttering a single word in reply. They still weren’t moving.
“You must be crazy!” she said, shaking her head. And distressed and pale, with an icy glint in her blue eyes, she added, “You know I’m engaged, you remember and assume that, and yet—”
“Of course, I know! Could I forget that face and that uniform ? After all, he’s a handsome man, and it isn’t that I find any fault with him; and yet I could wish him dead and gone. What’s the use of saying to myself, as I’ve done a hundred times: there you won’t get anywhere!7 Instead I try to avoid thinking about this impossibility, telling myself, Oh yes, I’ll get somewhere all right, lots of things can happen, there’s still hope.... And there is hope, isn’t there?”
“No, no! Don’t bring me to utter despair!” she cried. “What do you want me to do? What are you thinking of? Do you mean that I should—. Good God, don’t let’s talk about it anymore, please. And now go! You’ve ruined everything with a few stupid words, you’ve even spoiled our talks, and now we won’t be able to meet anymore. Why did you do it? Oh, if I’d only had an inkling of it! Well, you must forget about it, I beg you, for your own sake as well as mine. You know very well I can never be anything to you; I don’t see how you could ever get that idea. So don’t let us drag this out. You must go back to your room8 and try to resign yourself. Oh dear, I’m truly sorry for you, but there’s nothing else I can do.”
“But does it have to be goodbye today? Am I seeing you for the last time? No, no, I say! I promise to keep cool, to talk about anything else you like, and never again about this; so shall we meet? When, that is, I’ve cooled off? Some day, perhaps, when you’re fed up with all the others—as long as today isn’t the very last time. You’re shaking your head again—your lovely head, you’re shaking it. How absurd everything is! ... What if you turned me down but said yes anyway, telling a lie to make me happy? It has turned into a sad day, you know, very sad, though this morning I was singing. Just one more time!”
“You shouldn’t ask that of me, since I can’t promise it. Besides, what would be the use? Just go now, please! Maybe we’ll meet again, I don’t know, but it’s quite possible. No, go now, will you!” she exclaimed impatiently. “You’ll be doing me a real kindness,” she added.9
Pause. He stood staring at her, his breast heaving. Then he pulled himself together and bowed to her. Dropping his cap on the ground, he suddenly grabbed her hand, which she hadn’t offered him, and squeezed it hard between both of his. When she gave a little cry, he let her go at once, distressed, showing real despair at having caused her pain. And when she left, he stood there following her with his eyes. A few more steps and she would be gone!10 His cheeks flushing, he bites his lips till the blood comes and wants to go, to turn his back on her in heartfelt anger. When all was said and done, he was still a man; it was all right, everything was all right, goodbye....
Suddenly she turned around and said, “And you mustn’t go prowling around the parsonage at night. You really mustn’t, I beg you! So it was you who made my doggie bark so furiously the past several nights. One night Papa was on the point of getting out of bed. You can’t do that, do you hear! Anyway, I hope you won’t get us both into trouble.”
These words, no more. Still, at the sound of her voice his resentment was gone; he shook his head.
“And today is my birthday!” he said. With that he shielded his face with