New Grub Street [247]
grown dark with a heavy cloud, and now spots of rain began to fall. Jasper looked about him in annoyance as he felt the moisture, but Marian did not seem aware of it.
'But shall you face them willingly?'
'I am not a man to repine and grumble. Put up your umbrella, Marian.'
'What do I care for a drop of rain,' she exclaimed with passionate sadness, 'when all my life is at stake! How am I to understand you? Every word you speak seems intended to dishearten me. Do you no longer love me? Why need you conceal it, if that is the truth? Is that what you mean by saying you distrust yourself?
If you do so, there must be reason for it in the present. Could I distrust myself? Can I force myself in any manner to believe that I shall ever cease to love you?'
Jasper opened his umbrella.
'We must see each other again, Marian. We can't stand and talk in the rain--confound it! Cursed climate, where you can never be sure of a clear sky for five minutes!'
'I can't go till you have spoken more plainly, Jasper! How am I to live an hour in such uncertainty as this? Do you love me or not? Do you wish me to be your wife, or are you sacrificing yourself?'
'I do wish it!' Her emotion had an effect upon him, and his voice trembled. 'But I can't answer for myself--no, not for a year. And how are we to marry now, in face of all these--'
'What can I do? What can I do?' she sobbed. 'Oh, if I were but heartless to everyone but to you! If I could give you my money, and leave my father and mother to their fate! Perhaps some could do that. There is no natural law that a child should surrender everything for her parents. You know so much more of the world than I do; can't you advise me? Is there no way of providing for my father?'
'Good God! This is frightful, Marian. I can't stand it. Live as you are doing. Let us wait and see.'
'At the cost of losing you?'
'I will be faithful to you!'
'And your voice says you promise it out of pity.'
He had made a pretence of holding his umbrella over her, but Marian turned away and walked to a little distance, and stood beneath the shelter of a great tree, her face averted from him. Moving to follow, he saw that her frame was shaken by soundless sobbing. When his footsteps came close to her, she again looked at him.
'I know now,' she said, 'how foolish it is when they talk of love being unselfish. In what can there be more selfishness? I feel as if I could hold you to your promise at any cost, though you have made me understand that you regard our engagement as your great misfortune. I have felt it for weeks--oh, for months! But I couldn't say a word that would seem to invite such misery as this. You don't love me, Jasper, and that's an end of everything.
I should be shamed if I married you.'
'Whether I love you or not, I feel as if no sacrifice would be too great that would bring you the happiness you deserve.'
'Deserve!' she repeated bitterly. 'Why do I deserve it? Because I long for it with all my heart and soul? There's no such thing as deserving. Happiness or misery come to us by fate.'
'Is it in my power to make you happy?'
'No; because it isn't in your power to call dead love to life again. I think perhaps you never loved me. Jasper, I could give my right hand if you had said you loved me before--I can't put it into words; it sounds too base, and I don't wish to imply that you behaved basely. But if you had said you loved me before that, I should have it always to remember.'
'You will do me no wrong if you charge me with baseness,' he replied gloomily. 'If I believe anything, I believe that I did love you. But I knew myself and I should never have betrayed what I felt, if for once in my life I could have been honourable.'
The rain pattered on the leaves and the grass, and still the sky darkened.
'This is wretchedness to both of us,' Jasper added. 'Let us part now, Marian. Let me see you again.'
'I can't see you again. What can you say to me more than you have said now? I should feel like a beggar coming to you. I must try and keep some little
'But shall you face them willingly?'
'I am not a man to repine and grumble. Put up your umbrella, Marian.'
'What do I care for a drop of rain,' she exclaimed with passionate sadness, 'when all my life is at stake! How am I to understand you? Every word you speak seems intended to dishearten me. Do you no longer love me? Why need you conceal it, if that is the truth? Is that what you mean by saying you distrust yourself?
If you do so, there must be reason for it in the present. Could I distrust myself? Can I force myself in any manner to believe that I shall ever cease to love you?'
Jasper opened his umbrella.
'We must see each other again, Marian. We can't stand and talk in the rain--confound it! Cursed climate, where you can never be sure of a clear sky for five minutes!'
'I can't go till you have spoken more plainly, Jasper! How am I to live an hour in such uncertainty as this? Do you love me or not? Do you wish me to be your wife, or are you sacrificing yourself?'
'I do wish it!' Her emotion had an effect upon him, and his voice trembled. 'But I can't answer for myself--no, not for a year. And how are we to marry now, in face of all these--'
'What can I do? What can I do?' she sobbed. 'Oh, if I were but heartless to everyone but to you! If I could give you my money, and leave my father and mother to their fate! Perhaps some could do that. There is no natural law that a child should surrender everything for her parents. You know so much more of the world than I do; can't you advise me? Is there no way of providing for my father?'
'Good God! This is frightful, Marian. I can't stand it. Live as you are doing. Let us wait and see.'
'At the cost of losing you?'
'I will be faithful to you!'
'And your voice says you promise it out of pity.'
He had made a pretence of holding his umbrella over her, but Marian turned away and walked to a little distance, and stood beneath the shelter of a great tree, her face averted from him. Moving to follow, he saw that her frame was shaken by soundless sobbing. When his footsteps came close to her, she again looked at him.
'I know now,' she said, 'how foolish it is when they talk of love being unselfish. In what can there be more selfishness? I feel as if I could hold you to your promise at any cost, though you have made me understand that you regard our engagement as your great misfortune. I have felt it for weeks--oh, for months! But I couldn't say a word that would seem to invite such misery as this. You don't love me, Jasper, and that's an end of everything.
I should be shamed if I married you.'
'Whether I love you or not, I feel as if no sacrifice would be too great that would bring you the happiness you deserve.'
'Deserve!' she repeated bitterly. 'Why do I deserve it? Because I long for it with all my heart and soul? There's no such thing as deserving. Happiness or misery come to us by fate.'
'Is it in my power to make you happy?'
'No; because it isn't in your power to call dead love to life again. I think perhaps you never loved me. Jasper, I could give my right hand if you had said you loved me before--I can't put it into words; it sounds too base, and I don't wish to imply that you behaved basely. But if you had said you loved me before that, I should have it always to remember.'
'You will do me no wrong if you charge me with baseness,' he replied gloomily. 'If I believe anything, I believe that I did love you. But I knew myself and I should never have betrayed what I felt, if for once in my life I could have been honourable.'
The rain pattered on the leaves and the grass, and still the sky darkened.
'This is wretchedness to both of us,' Jasper added. 'Let us part now, Marian. Let me see you again.'
'I can't see you again. What can you say to me more than you have said now? I should feel like a beggar coming to you. I must try and keep some little