Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [15]
Get Your Own Credit Card ...................................................................................................45
Make Temporary Agreements About Support ........................................................ 46
Get Temporary Court-Ordered Support If You Need It .......................................47
Getting Legal and Other Professional Help Early ....................................................50
Taking Care of Yourself ..............................................................................................................50
ou've made the first hard decision-to end your marriage. Or perhaps the decision has been made for you, making the whole thing even more confusing and painful. Either way, you're probably trying to wrap your brain around the big changes coming your way very quickly. "Where will I live?" "Where will the kids live?" "What about our joint credit cards?" "Do I need a new job to support myself and the kids?" "How will I pay the bills that are due right now?"
The best way to cope is to take one step at a time. This chapter addresses some of the first and critically important steps to take.
Don't make important decisions hastily. Your decision-making skills are probably not the best they've ever been. Although you can't put off all decisions-including some that you'll have to make with your spouse, like who will live where-try to minimize the number of long-term decisions you commit to in the first few months. If you really have to settle something, at least sleep on it, and try to find someone you trust to help you think through your options.
Breaking the News
Once one spouse decides on divorce, there's the delicate matter of discussing it out loud with the other. And once that's accomplished, there's the even more difficult issue of talking to the kids.
Your Spouse
If you're the one who's decided to end your marriage and your spouse is still in the dark, then the sooner you talk, the better. Most likely, your spouse already knows, at least deep down-most often, relationships come apart gradually over the course of time, and the outcome isn't a big surprise to anyone.
Taking the high road in dealing with your divorce can-and should-start right now. Make a plan for how you'll tell your spouse that you believe your marriage is over. If you're seeing a counselor or therapist, get advice on the best way to talk to your spouse. It won't be an easy conversation, so planning out what you want to say, and how, can really help. You might even want to write some notes about the words you want to use. If it's possible to break the news in a kind and compassionate way, do it-it will honor your relationship. It may also help your spouse to avoid feeling bitter about the way you did it, and though it may seem a small thing, every small kindness helps when you're splitting up. And it should go without saying that you shouldn't deliver the news via email, voicemail, or text messaging.
Don't expect that your spouse will immediately he able to discuss and make decisions about things like who will stay in the house and who will move out, or how you will spend time with your kids. It will take time to get used to the idea that you're divorcing. Solutions that may already seem obvious to you will still be shocking to someone who hasn't been considering these matters for as long as as you prohahly have.
Whatever you do, don't let your spouse he the last to know. If you have been considering divorce for a while and have talked to friends or family members about it, make sure you follow up with your spouse right away. Don't let your spouse hear from someone else that you're planning to leave.
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen (Penguin), has practical advice about how to prepare for difficult talks and communicate successfully about hard topics.
Other books that can help with communicating during