Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [16]
If the conversation goes all right, you might consider also asking your spouse whether it would be a good time to discuss telling others in your intimate circle-your parents, siblings, close friends, and even neighbors. These conversations can be really difficult, too, and if you can agree on the who, when, where, and how they will happen, it will probably be easier on everyone. But again, your spouse may not be ready to figure that out. If that's the case, you'll have to make your best guess about whether your spouse would want to tell the in-laws or would prefer that you take care of that chore.
Your Children
Telling children about a divorce can be one of the hardest parts of the entire process. The most important thing you can do is reassure your kids that it's not their fault and that they're not losing either of their parents. Chapter 6 has advice about dealing with your kids during divorce, including how to talk to them about the breakup-both at the start and as you all adjust to the changes.
Where Will Everyone Live?
One big decision that can't be put off for long is who will live where for the time being-that includes you, your spouse, and your children.
Who Gets to Stay in the House?
Most spouses figure out temporary living arrangements during a separation, putting off final decisions until the divorce process is further along. If you manage to do this, write up an agreement about what you've decided.
What if you can't agree? In most cases neither spouse is more entitled to stay in the family home than the other. If the house is only in one spouse's name, then that spouse might he able to make the other one move out, though it would depend on factors like how long you've lived in the house together, who pays the expenses, and the like. If your spouse is the only one whose name is on the title to the house, you might be better off taking the path of least resistance and moving out now, and then arguing about ownership interests later.
Custody Considerations
In families with children, it's common for the primary caretaker to stay in the house with the kids. Often, but not always, that person is the mother.
If you expect to share physical custody, then the closer the noncustodial parent can live, the better for the kids-it will cut down on the disruption to their school and social lives. Of course, that's not always possible, especially if you live in a neighborhood of high-value single-family homes. But make as much effort as you can to keep the households near each other.
If you intend to argue that you should have sole custody, don't move out and leave your kids behind. No matter how anxious you are to get out of the house, if you go without your kids the message you send is that you think your spouse is a good parent who can take care of the kids without help. Also, judges don't like to disturb the status quo-so wherever your kids go when you separate, that's likely where they'll stay.
If you're expecting to share custody anyway, moving out is less risky. But if you are worried that moving out might lessen your chances of getting shared custody, ask your spouse to sign an agreement that says that the move won't affect later decisions about custody and visitation.
If you and your spouse are able to cooperate, you should work together to find the best housing for the one who is moving out. If you're the one staying, why should you help? Two reasons. First, it may get your spouse out of the house more quickly; second, it benefits your kids by ensuring that both homes are appropriate.
If you're at a stalemate about who gets to stay in the house, you might simply agree to both stay there for a while (see "Staying Together for a While," below). You can also go to court right away and ask for a temporary order giving you the right to stay in the house for now. (Chapter 5 discusses temporary orders.) The court looks at your financial resources, the level of tension between you, the needs of your children, and whatever other information might relate to your living situation.