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sn't every divorce a crisis of sorts, requiring a trip to the emotional emergency room? It surely feels that way when you are dealing with one hazard after another during the process. But this chapter deals with the bigger crises-being in an abusive or threatening situation, having a spouse you can't trust with your kids, or running out of money-and what you can do about them.

In any of these situations, get yourself a good lawyer; you'll need all the help you can get. If you can't afford a lawyer, your local court may provide support for do-it-yourself restraining orders and other emergency orders, and you probably will get some help from shelter workers if you've been battered by your spouse. Low-cost legal services are becoming more difficult to find, but your local bar association should be able to direct you to services in your area.

Chapter 15 offers resources for finding counseling services and suggestions on how to take care of yourself; Chapter 6 deals with children's experience of divorce and how you can help them. Whatever you do, be kind to yourself and know that things will get easier.

Emergency Divorce: When You Can't Afford to Wait

A few states allow abbreviated waiting periods in case of emergency. (Kansas actually has a procedure for an "emergency divorce.") If you can persuade a judge that there is an emergency, such as domestic abuse or a pressing need to leave the state immediately, you may be able to avoid the usual waiting period before your divorce is final.

Domestic Violence

If you are in a violent relationship, your first priority is very simple: Get yourself and your kids to safety. Statistics show that the most dangerous time for women living with batterers is the point at which they leave the relationship. (The vast majority of battered spouses are women, but if you are a battered husband, all of this advice applies to you as well.) This means that you will need to find housing somewhere that your spouse can't find you-a battered women's shelter, a hotel, or the home of a friend your spouse doesn't know. Don't go to your parents' or somewhere else that he's likely to look for you.

If you have time to plan, start putting aside cash-again, preferably somewhere other than your house. Leave some clothes and important items with a friend in case you have to leave your house quickly. And start documenting every incident of physical or emotional abuse in your household, whether it involves you or your kids. Make a note of the date and time the incident occurred, and exactly what happened.

Advice From the Experts

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence advises that you:

• make a list of safe people to contact

• memorize phone numbers of people or places you could call for help

• keep change (for a pay phone, as you may find yourself without a cell phone) with you at all times, as well as cash for living expenses, and

• establish a code word with family, friends, and coworkers so that you can tell them to call for help without alerting your spouse.

If you have to leave your home quickly with your kids to get away from an abusive spouse, go to court immediately for an emergency order giving you custody as well as a restraining order that requires your spouse to stay away from you. Otherwise, you may be accused of kidnapping.

If you have the resources, hire a lawyer to help you. If you go to a shelter, the staff should be able to help you find legal assistance quickly to file the necessary papers. Many courts have domestic violence resources, including restraining order packets with instructions, clinics with clerks who can help you with the paperwork, or judges who are available to