Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [161]
You have the right to keep your address and telephone number confidential if you fear violence from your spouse. So, even if you share custody with your spouse, you can make arrangements for neutral pickup sites or for others to pick up and drop off your kids, and you can have your contact information kept out of the court file. Even if your spouse has been violent with you, if the violence hasn't been directed at your kids, the judge is still likely to order some type of visitation. But you can ask that conditions be put on the visitation, such as supervision or a requirement that your spouse can't drink or use drugs when with the kids, or that certain friends, relatives, or associates of your spouse can't be around the kids.
If restraining orders are in effect, or if you don't think it's safe to be in the same place as your spouse, you can choose a public place to meet for visitation exchanges. Your local police station is a good choice, or you can use a restaurant or other very public setting. In extreme cases, you can ask the court to appoint a visitation supervision monitor and arrange for the dropoff and pickup to be staggered in time, with the monitor watching the kids in between. If you have other creative ideas, propose them to the judge. Most judges will consider any plan that will keep everyone safe and facilitate visitation at the same time.
You are not alone. Check your local phone book under "domestic violence" for local agencies, or contact one of these national resources for advice and help locating services in your area:
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-SAFE (7233), provides advice and assistance.
• The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, www.ncadv.org, 303-839-1852, has a list of state coalitions that can help you find local services.
Most divorce websites have information about dealing with domestic violence.
If your spouse stalks you after you have separated, get a restraining order. Stalking is a crime just like domestic violence, and you can get the police and the courts involved. Much of the same advice applies to stalking as to domestic violence: Make sure you have the support of people around you and have a safety plan. Check out the website of the National Center for Victims of Crime: Stalking Center at www.ncvc .org/SRC.
Child Abuse
If you discover that your spouse is abusing your children either physically or sexually, take them to a doctor right away, both for treatment and to document what's been going on. You also need to find a good lawyer and an experienced child therapist.
Make sure you stay within the law yourself. Don't just take your children and hide them. If you need to get your kids out of an unsafe situation immediately, then just as immediately you need to get yourself to the courthouse and get an emergency order for custody. You may, however, face some resistance to your efforts to protect your children, in the form of dubious social workers or judges. This is especially true if there's been no previous evidence of abuse during your marriage-in other words, the allegations are coming up for the first time in connection with the divorce. There appears to be a commonly held belief that allegations of child abuse made in the context of divorce are suspect, made to gain an advantage in the legal proceedings. And sometimes, parents are accused unjustly. If you make such a serious claim, you need evidence to back it up.
By no means should this lead you to the conclusion that you shouldn't take every possible step to protect your children. Indeed, for many people the discovery or the escalation of abuse is what leads them to make the decision to divorce. Protect your children, get evidence, and