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By Root 915 0

who worked together as mediators-the husband was a lawyer and the wife a therapist. The lawyer took the lead in the mediation. He gave us legal information and helped us negotiate. He also wrote up our agreement, and did the court paperwork. The therapist stepped in when things got intense and we had trouble communicating or were super emotional. I thought they were great, and my husband liked them, too. I think that the two kinds of skills they had made things go faster than they might have otherwise. It was expensive in terms of the hourly cost, but not more than going to court! To me the cost was totally worthwhile."

-Divorced mom

Making a Short List

As is true with most services, the best way to find a divorce mediator is by getting a personal recommendation from someone whose judgment you trust. You can ask lawyers, financial advisers, therapists, or spiritual advisers you know for referrals.

If you can't find direct, personal referrals, here are some other ideas:

• Check the Internet: www.mediate.com and www.divorcenet.com have links to mediator referrals, as do many other divorce websites.

• Contact national mediation or family law organizations, including the Association for Conflict Resolution (www.acrnet.org), the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (www.afccnet.org), and the American Arbitration Association (www.adr.org).

• Call your local community mediation center and ask for a recommendation.

• Call your local bar association or a local organization of therapists or financial professionals.

• Call your local legal aid office.

• Check the phone directory under "mediation," "divorce mediation," or "dispute resolution."

Make sure that you get referrals for divorce mediators, not general or business mediators. When you've collected a few names, you'll need to interview some.

Interviewing Mediators

If you and your spouse can cooperate, you can work together to screen potential mediators. You can either split the list and each contact some of the mediators, or you can both contact each of them and compare notes. There's no set number of mediators you should talk to-start with a couple each, and stop when you've found the right one.

Some mediators have websites, and that's a good way to begin gathering information. (But don't hold it against the ones who don't. Websites are expensive to create and maintain, and many mediators work as solo business people, rather than in big firms with big budgets.) There's no substitute for direct contact, though. Because the mediator's personality and manner will be so important to the process, you need to feel comfortable. If the mediator is overbearing or curt on the phone, you have gathered valuable information. On the other hand, if you feel immediately comfortable talking with the mediator about your questions and expectations, you can move that person to the top of your short list.

Some mediators may be concerned that talking with either spouse separately before the mediation might make the other spouse question the mediator's impartiality. Instead, they may ask an assistant to answer your questions. In this case, you might try a three-way conference call with both you and your spouse on the phone, or separate calls with you and with your spouse.

If the mediator doesn't feel comfortable with either of these options, you'll have to decide whether you're willing to go to a meeting without having spoken directly beforehand. This may depend on what other prospects you have and how you felt about the mediator's manner in setting these limits. Don't reject someone out of hand because of a policy about premediation contact instead, use it as a factor in your decision-making process.

Here are some questions that should help you in your screening process.

• Scope of the mediation. Some mediators work only on property issues and ask you to see a separate custody mediator to deal with parenting issues. If the mediator has such a policy, and you have custody issues, who will help you work on them?

• Fees. Will there be charges in addition to the hourly fee