Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [51]
Even if you are totally convinced that you and your spouse are going to have a perfectly civil divorce, it's a good idea to know what happens when spouses take their personal and financial grievances to court. If nothing else, it will serve as a cautionary tale. Someday, things may look bleak and you'll think you just can't compromise any more, or your ex may he acting like such a jerk that you can't remember why you ever got married in the first place. On that day, knowing what a contested divorce looks like might be the best thing in the world for you. It will help you to take a deep breath (or a break) and return to negotiations with a renewed sense of purpose: to avoid spending the money, wasting the time, and losing the mental and emotional energy that will be sapped out of you in a contested divorce proceeding. Oh, and did we mention the harm to your children and the lifelong bitterness that a court fight can create?
Given the time, expense, and overall awfulness of a divorce trial, why would anyone choose one? Well, maybe neither you nor your spouse is willing to compromise on issues that you both feel strongly about. For example, if each of you is utterly convinced that conceding custody of your kids to the other would be terrible for the kids, you're going to have to let a judge decide. Likewise, if your spouse is the primary income earner in your family, but refuses to pay what you consider a reasonable amount of support or insists on dividing property in a way you think is completely unfair, you may have to try to convince a judge to see your side. If you think that your spouse is hiding assets or lying about their worth, you might need a judge to review the evidence and decide who's telling the truth. And of course, if you can't get your spouse to negotiate with you at all-in other words, it's their way or the highway-you'll have to get a court to step in.
Before you decide to go to trial, though, take a good hard look in the mirror and ask yourself whether it's really necessary. Are you truly concerned about the kids, or just mad at your spouse for leaving you in the first place? This is no time for being vindictive. Punishing your spouse will punish your entire family, now and for a long time to come.
This chapter describes the process of a contested divorce, from the first meeting with an attorney to deciding whether or not to appeal after the trial. It assumes that you are going to have a lawyer, because you'll need one.
Representing Yourself in a Contested Divorce (Not)
In a contested divorce, the stakes are high, and there's a lot of animosity and not much spirit of compromise. In other words, it's the type of situation for which lawyers were invented. Can you represent yourself? Well, if your spouse doesn't have a lawyer and the two of you want to slug it out in the courtroom without the benefit of legal counsel, go for it. At least you'll be on equal footing. There are certain advantages, besides the cost saving, to representing yourself-for example, you maintain control over how your case is handled, which can reduce your anxiety. With the increase in unbundled legal services (having a lawyer help you with only part of your case) and self-help centers, it's becoming easier to get help and support for some parts of your case without hiring a lawyer to take care of everything.
However, in many contested cases, especially in locations where selfrepresentation isn't very common, you're probably better off hiring a lawyer. Courtroom procedures can be complex, and the law is not always as accessible as you would like. If you're going all the way to trial, you probably feel that there's a lot at stake-so make sure you have as much help as you need.
If you are considering representing yourself in a contested divorce, look for do-it-yourself materials from your local court