Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [52]
One divorced dad who represented himself in a custody trial said ...
" I think a person who can think rationally and has the emotional wherewithal can do self-representation, especially with some help from a coach. It's like house painting-90% is preparation. I didn't end up using my legal coach much after she first helped me with the petition to modify custody. I relied a lot on books like Represent Yourself in Court, and on Bender's legal forms in the law library. The hardest thing is to keep your equanimity, not get too up or down about the things that happen. It can be really hard on a partner, too, so you have to make sure it doesn't take over your life."
Consider arbitration as an option. You may want to consider arbitration instead of court. Ask your lawyer about it after you read up on the basics in Chapter 1.
Finding the Right Lawyer
If it is your spouse, not you, who is making an expensive and nasty divorce trial necessary, keep in mind that you don't have to get nasty yourself. You still can, and should, take the high road. This begins with your choice of a lawyer. Try to find a lawyer who will do everything possible to resolve the case before it gets to a trial and will respect your desire to spare your family a bitter fight.
Don't think that just because your spouse hired a pit bull lawyer, you have to do the same. There's more than one way to represent a client, and the best lawyers are versatile. They begin by doing everything possible to settle, and if that's not possible, they work as aggressively as is required to protect your interests.
Dos and Don'ts When You're Shopping for a Lawyer
Don't:
• Go around asking your friends for the most cutthroat, litigationhappy, no-holds-barred divorce attorney they've ever heard of.
• Hire a lawyer who badmouths your spouse even before their first meeting.
• Choose a lawyer who tells you that you can get whatever you want out of your spouse if you just fight hard enough.
• Rely on a lawyer's statements that your spouse will have to pay all of your attorney's fees, so it doesn't matter if you litigate like crazy. You might get your fees back, but then again, you might not.
Do:
• Look for a lawyer who will represent your interests whether that means fighting it out in court or making sure you get into mediation.
• Ask your divorced friends and family whether they liked their attorneys, and find out why.
• Meet with more than one lawyer to get a sense of what personal style works for you.
• Find a lawyer who will treat both you and your spouse with respect and who considers the welfare of your kids the top priority.
Where to Look for a Lawyer
There are a lot of places to go looking for a lawyer. The hest one, though, always is a recommendation from someone who knows the lawyer and the lawyer's work in cases like yours. If you've ever used a lawyer for any other type of case or services, ask that lawyer for a referral to a divorce lawyer or for help checking out the reputation of lawyers whose names you get from others. If you have a marriage counselor or individual therapist, ask for referrals. Ask family members, friends, and acquaintances. If the same name pops up more than once, pay attention-but don't choose your lawyer just on that basis.
If you can't find a personal referral, try professional associations of family law attorneys. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) is a national organization with admission standards that require members to be experienced and skilled practitioners. It shouldn't be a deal-breaker if the lawyer isn't a member, but membership is a good indication that the lawyer is reputable and competent. The AAML has an online directory (www.aaml.org) that lists members.
Your state may have an