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Trying to Get Along With Your Ex ...................................................................................178

When It Comes to Divorce, Grownups Are Kids, Too ......................................... 178

here's no way around it: Divorce is hard on kids. For most parents, dealing with their children-breaking the news, trying to help them through the many transitions, figuring out custody and support arrangements, and worrying about their wellbeing-is the most challenging part of the divorce.

When it comes to figuring out how you're going to take care of your children during and after your divorce, you have two choices: Work it out with your spouse, or have the court decide for you based on the judge's interpretation of what's best for your kids.

No matter what you and your kids' other parent disagree about, you should he able to agree that it's good for your kids if you can minimize the conflict they witness and protect them from contact with the courts and from lots of uncertainty about the future. (And custody cases are notoriously unpredictable.)

So, the high road appears before you again. Take it, and do everything you can to reach an agreement with your spouse about parenting. It doesn't matter what kind of jerk your spouse is or how angry you are-as long as the other parent isn't verbally or physically abusive, you still need to support his or her relationship with the kids. (See Chapter 14 if you're concerned about abuse.) And try to do it graciously and with a positive, cooperative attitude. Accept the inescapable truth that hurting your kids' other parent hurts your kids. Sit down and negotiate a parenting plan that will work for everyone. It's guaranteed to pay off in the long run.

This chapter addresses the high road: agreeing with your spouse about custody and visitation. Chapter 7 deals with contested custody and other difficult parenting issues. Chapter 8 explains support.

It isn't just Dear Abby who says so. Research has shown that basic parenting skills like effective listening, consistent routines for kids, clear discipline that both parents participate in, and especially, minimal exposure to parental conflict can significantly help children's mental health after a divorce.

Physical and Legal Custody

The first thing you need to know about custody is that there are two kinds: physical and legal.

Having legal custody of your children means that you have the right to make decisions about their welfare-things like where they go to school, what religion they practice, whether they need academic tutoring or psychological counseling, and when they go to the doctor.

Courts prefer that after a divorce, both parents continue to participate in making these decisions for their children just as they did when they were married-in other words, for both parents to share legal custody. This is called joint legal custody. But a judge may give one parent sole legal custody if:

• There is so much hostility that parents simply can't communicate at all, even about important decisions affecting their children.

• One parent lives a great distance away.

• One parent is abusive or neglectful.

• One parent simply isn't involved in the child's day-to-day life and doesn't spend time with the child.

Finally, a few judges order joint legal custody, but then designate one parent as the "tie-breaker" in the event the parents can't agree.

Physical custody refers to where the children live on a regular basis. Courts generally prefer that parents have joint physical custody so that children have regular contact with both parents. Joint physical custody doesn't always mean an exact 50-50 time split. But if one parent has the kids most of the time, that parent is usually granted sole physical custody; the other parent gets the right to regular visitation.

Check your state's default visitation schedule. Some states have developed standard time-sharing plans that courts use as the default for ordering visitation, unless