Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [68]
If your kids seem to be experiencing wear and tear from the transitions, or if you're really having a hard time being in the same place as your spouse, try not to make a plan that calls for changeovers every day or two days. Instead, opt for a weekly visitation schedule, or schedule the changeovers to occur after school, so that one parent drops the kids off and the other picks them up. That way you won't have to be in the same place at the same time, and the kids won't have to worry about that either.
On the other hand, if you get along okay and the changeovers aren't too stressful, it can be good for kids to feel that they really have two homes. (See tips on making this work in "If You Share Physical Custody," below.)
Bird-Nesting
An uncommon but very child-centered custody arrangement is called "bird-nesting." The kids stay in the family home and the parents take turns living there with them, usually on an equal basis. This can be hard on the parents, and also on the pocketbook-unless the parents are willing to alternate time in just one living space away from the family home, each parent needs a separate place to live when they're not with the kids. And parents say it's important to have ground rules about leaving the house tidy for the other parent, and not bringing dates to the shared house. But some parents would rather inconvenience themselves than cause the kids the stress of the back-and-forth lifestyle and are willing to pay the price.
Transitions are hard on the kids ...
I really wish we could have afforded to do a bird-nesting thing," says one divorced mom years later. "Even though my husband and I lived only about eight blocks apart, my daughter packed up every last thing she owned every time she went back and forth-clothes, guitar, books, everything. She was really stressed out by all the back and forth. We thought about leaving the kids in the house and switching in and out ourselves but it was just too expensive, and also I didn't want to be around the place where things had gone so wrong in my marriage. So we managed, but I regret the anxiety it caused the kids."
-Divorced mom of two
Sample Parenting Plans
When you're just beginning to figure out what life's going to look like once you separate, it can be hard to imagine what kind of time-sharing arrangement would be best for your family. There are lots of ways to work on this. You can:
• sit down together with your spouse and discuss what you each think your kids need
• ask a mediator or child custody evaluator to help you make decisions
• use one of the websites or other resources described below, or
• some combination of the above.
It can also be helpful to see some examples of what other families have done. Here are some sample parenting plans developed by Joan B. Kelly, Ph.D., a noted expert in the field of child custody. Each option shows the time share, the number of nights per 28-day period that the child spends with the nonresidential (noncustodial) parent, and some of the factors that affect whether the particular arrangement being described is a good one for your family.
Option 1: Four Overnights
Every other weekend: Friday afternoon to Sunday evening
Factors to consider:
• 12 days separation from nonresidential parent is too long for many children
• Nonresidential parent's relationship with child is diminished; minimal involvement in school, homework, special projects
• Little time off for residential parent
• Can benefit children when nonresidential parent is very angry or rigid
• Can add a midweek evening visit to reduce separation time, but that creates more transitions and can be rushed or too hectic.
Option 2: Six Overnights
Every other extended weekend: Friday afternoon to Monday morning
Factors to consider:
• Nonresidential parent connects with school experience
• Dropoff and pickup at school or day care means reduced opportunity