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Trial Separation

If you and your spouse need a break from the relationship, you may choose to live apart while you decide between divorce or reconciliation. While you're separated, the same legal rules apply as when you are married, in terms of ownership of property. For example, money you earn and property you buy are likely to still be considered jointly owned by you and your spouse, depending on your state's rules about property ownership. (See "Basics of Property, Custody, and Support," below.)

Take your time deciding ...

I wish we had spent some time apart and thought about things for a while longer. I feel like we rushed into divorce even more than we rushed into marriage-once we started talking about it, it had a life of its own. Now we really miss each other. I don't know whether we could have made it work but I would have liked to try counseling instead of just going in for the divorce."

-Divorced military spouse

If you and your spouse are hoping to reconcile, it's a good idea to write an informal agreement about some issues that will surely come up. For example, you will need to decide whether or not you will continue to share a joint bank account or credit cards, which of you will stay in the family home, how expenses will be shared, and the like. If you have kids, you'll need to decide how and when each of you will spend time with them. An sample agreement is shown below.

If you both decide there's no going back, your trial separation turns into a permanent one. That's discussed next.

Permanent Separation

When you live apart from your spouse without intending to reconcile but you are not divorced, you are considered permanently separated. In some states, living apart can change property rights between spouses-if you don't intend to get back together, then assets and debts acquired during the separation belong only to the spouse who acquires them. Once you are permanently separated, you are no longer responsible for any debts that your spouse incurs. Similarly, you're no longer entitled to any share of property or income that your spouse acquires or earns.

Because it can significantly affect how your property and money are divided, the date of permanent separation is sometimes hotly contested in a divorce. For example, if your spouse left in a huff and spent a month sleeping on a friend's couch, but you didn't discuss divorce until the month had passed and neither of you intended to divorce before then, the date of separation is somewhat questionable. If during that month your spouse received a big bonus at work, who it belongs to is also arguable.

Sample Separation Agreement

If you move out of the house and don't expect any long-term reconciliation with your spouse, there may be consequences to going out or spending the night together just for old times' sake. If you do briefly reconcile, you risk changing the date of separation and becoming responsible for your spouse's financial actions during a period when you thought you were responsible only for yourself.

Once you're separated and have made basic agreements about your joint assets and debts, you don't have to divorce right away. Some people stay married because of insurance-and inertia can be a factor, too.

You're still free to divorce even if you're formally separated. While you and your spouse agree to it, it's fine to maintain your separation without getting a divorce for as long as you want. But once one spouse wants out, it's their right to proceed with a divorce. Recently a New York couple signed a separation agreement providing that the husband couldn't seek a divorce without the wife's written consent for five years from the date of the agreement. Two years later the husband did try to file for divorce and the wife asked the court to dismiss the case. The judge refused, saying that the law only required one year of separation and the agreement was against public policy. Your local court would probably come to the same conclusion, so don't try binding your spouse to an agreement to stay married for a certain