Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [80]
If You Have or Had a Substance Abuse Problem ................................................... 197
If Your Spouse Has or Had a Problem ..........................................................................198
hat if you think your spouse's ideas about custody are all wrong for the kids, and the two of you just can't agree about time-sharing? What if you are convinced that the kids would be much better off staying with you the majority of the time, with your spouse having only weekend visitation, but your spouse insists on 50-50 custody? What if your spouse doesn't comply with the visitation schedule you've established, or drinks or does drugs in front of the kids? This chapter addresses all these difficult custody problems and explains what a custody trial will mean for your kids.
The Low Road: Fighting It Out in Court
When it comes to custody disputes, the high road can become a bit rocky-but once again, take a deep breath and think about what's best for your kids. It's almost always better for kids to spend time with both of their parents, and in most circumstances, that's what a court is going to order. How much time and effort (not to mention money) are you willing to put into trying to limit your spouse's contact with the kids, knowing that you're likely to be unsuccessful? Go to mediation and try to work something out and be sure you are truly making every compromise you can that puts the kids first.
Also, make sure your desires are consistent with reality. Do you work 70 hours a week? If you do get more time with the kids, who will he taking care of them when you're at work? Are you really available to parent, or are you just trying to get the other parent's goat by contesting custody? Remember that your kids' well-being is at stake here, and take a good hard look in the mirror. If you're resisting shared custody, ask yourself whether the things that you think make your spouse a weak parent are really all that serious. Are you really concerned about your kids, or are you just trying to control things?
How Courts Handle Custody Disputes
If you're fighting with your spouse about custody or visitation, prepare to be deeply involved with the court system. In fact, your first stop should be a mediator's office to see whether you can avoid a fullblown custody trial. Even if you run right out to your lawyer and ask for a court hearing, the court will send you to mandatory mediation with a court mediator before you can have your day in court. Go to mediation as the court requires-or meet with a private custody mediator chosen by your lawyer.
Courts in some states have special programs to handle what appears to be an increasing number of high-conflict custody cases-and if you go to court repeatedly over issues involving your children, you could end up involved in such a program. In these programs, you might be assigned to one judge who follows the case from start to finish. (Otherwise, it's more likely you'd appear in front of a number of different judges over multiple court dates.) In addition to having one judge oversee the case, you could be required to meet with a social worker for counseling before you can schedule your divorce trial. Some judges also appoint "parenting coordinators" who meet with battling parents regularly to monitor how things are going in terms of day-to-day compliance with the court order. This keeps the judges from having to micromanage divorces when parents come back to court complaining that the other parent didn't pick the kids up from school on time and should be punished with a change in the visitation schedule.
Even in moderately conflicted cases, judges often order parents to attend child-rearing classes and require them to draw up parenting plans. In Texas, for example, all divorcing parents are required to set up and follow a parenting plan-the court even appoints a parenting coordinator to assist divorcing parents in figuring out the plan, which must include a process to resolve future conflicts.
How to Argue for Custody
When you file your first court papers asking