Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [79]
9. Be as prompt as you can with picking up and returning the kids, and cut the other parent some slack if once in a while the kids aren't completely ready or something isn't exactly right.
10. Keep the lines of communication with the other parent open, and be consistent about checking in about what the kids are doing when they're not with you. Attend school and sports functions whenever you can, even if they're during times that aren't "your" times.
Trying to Get Along With Your Ex
If your divorce is very contentious and you and your spouse can't agree on anything, you're going to have to figure out how to coparent with the least damage to your kids. After all, no matter how difficult you find their other parent, the kids are still entitled to have meaningful relationships with both of their parents. Here are some ideas that might help.
• Ask neutral friends-or a court-sponsored transfer system-to help you with changeovers. Minimize your contact as much as you can.
• Get into mediation as soon as you can-preferably even before you separate-and develop a temporary parenting agreement that you can live with, relieving you from having to negotiate for a while. Hire a mediator who has experience with custody issues and who is comfortable working with lots of conflict.
• Use email to communicate, and say only the minimum that's needed to deal with the issue at hand. Websites like www.ourfamilywizard .com, www.parentingtime.net, or www.sharekids.com can help by providing a structure for communicating by email.
• Try not to make changes in the parenting plan after it's in place. Life is unpredictable, and sometimes you may need to ask your spouse to be flexible, but make sure it's really crucial before rocking the boat, even in ways you think should be no big deal.
When It Comes to Divorce, Grownups Are Kids, Too
Not all children of divorce are young-sometimes, they are adults themselves. Adult children of divorce have some special challenges, the primary one being a general assumption that having parents divorce shouldn't affect them much, as they are grown and out of the house. But divorce can be devastating to adult children, too-especially if parents forget that it's still important to set some boundaries and leave the kids out of the worst of the conflicts.
Here are a few ideas for divorcing parents of adult children:
• Don't force your adult kids to listen to the gory details of your divorce. It's no more appropriate now to give them too much information than it was when they were young.
• Don't ask them to take sides or testify against the other parent in a court proceeding.
• Don't abandon them out of guilt or a sense that they no longer need their parents.
• Do take the time to tell them about the divorce in a kind and caring way.
• Do understand that they may feel abandoned, just as a younger child would.
You can do it. Parenting during and after divorce provides a wealth of opportunities for you to learn your way along the high road. The best way to take advantage of those opportunities is to keep your unwavering focus on your children's welfare. If you do, you'll be sure to find your way.
The Low Road: Fighting It Out in Court .......................................................................182
How Courts Handle Custody Disputes .........................................................................182
How to Argue for Custody ................................................................................................183
Factors a Judge May Consider in a Custody Dispute ........................................... 185
Your Kids and the Court Process: Custody Evaluations ..................................... 189
If the Custodial Spouse Interferes With Visitation .............................................. 194
If One Parent Wants to Move Away ...............................................................................195
Drug and Alcohol Abuse ........................................................................................................197