Notes From the Hard Shoulder - James May [44]
Could you run a new one?
If not, you probably can't run an old one properly. The value of a Rolls-Royce undoubtedly goes down quite sharply with time, but a graph representing the burden of maintenance goes, if anything, the other way. This is especially true of exotica such as Aston Martins, Ferraris and Lamborghinis. There is no such thing as a 'cheap classic', not when you can buy a new Kia with a £l deposit.
Only ever buy a good one
If you have enough money to scrape on to the bottom rung of Ferrari 308 ownership – say £15,000 – buy something like a mint Triumph TR6 instead. Since all old cars are essentially rubbish (see above), you might at least have one in good condition. And sorting out a bad car will always cost at least twice as much as buying a good one in the first place. I know shabby is considered chic in some circles these days, but it only really works for overcoats.
Do you read tool catalogues on the lavatory?
If not, you are not a professional mechanic, so you will need to know one. Cultivate the friendship of a local specialist or a versatile under-the-arches repairer. Mine is a late-'60s Nigel with an impeccable service history and a head full of exploded diagrams of Bentley and Jaguar sub-assemblies. His toolbox is bigger than the T2.
A sobering thought
Of all the cars I have owned over the past four years, the cheapest to run, by a country mile, has been my brand-new Porsche.
ACHTUNG! BENTLEY!
In the general revamping of the Rolls-Royce and Bentley factory that has gone on over the last few years, the most obvious change is to the reception area. From the austere '30s facade of its main admin block now sprouts a glitzy vestibule that is pure architectural showbiz.
It's the sort of thing that beardy Bill Bryson will moan about in his next book, Notes from a Small Automotive Manufacturing Facility, and it ought not to work, but it does. Tradition and modernity rub shoulders, challenging but ultimately respecting each other. That is the British way and there is no finer example of it than a current Bentley. But there are a few too many Audis in the car park for my liking.
The temptation at this point is to resort to my collection of Commando War Stories in Pictures books and make a few disrespectful allusions to our favourite adversary in the field of human conflict. But let's be a bit more grown-up about this. I like the Germans. I met Dr Ulrich Hackenberg, the new board member for engineering. He is a splendid fellow, a true Bentley enthusiast and someone whom you'd gladly buy a drink if he baled out and landed in your greenhouse. So no war jokes.
But then I entered the lobby and was confronted with a particularly fine study in oils of a Hawker Hurricane shooting down a Heinkel 111, and this got me thinking. I was at Crewe to drive the year-2000 model Arnage, a car that will come with a choice of not just the twin-turbo 4.5-litre BMW V8 installed at launch (now designated a Green Label Arnage, after the background colour of its winged badge) but also the old 6.75-litre turbo V8 as found in two-door Continental Bentleys (Red Label).
During the war, of course, Rolls-Royce – in this very factory, in fact – produced the Merlin engine for the Hurricane, the Spitfire and a host of other kites. BMW, meanwhile, powered the Dornier 217 and the Junkers 188 and later supplied the unitary engine and nacelle assembly for the outstanding Focke-Wulf 190. So the Battle of Britain still rages under the bonnet of this latest Bentley. I'm sorry, but I just can't help it.
A quick briefing. All year-2000 Arnages have improved rear leg and foot room, courtesy of a redesigned bench and a lowered floorpan. Sat-nav is now standard, as are electrically folding door mirrors