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to send to her company sponsors, but fortunately decided to run it by a friend, a woman executive from another company. That friend strengthened the tone of the message, making it clear that Amanda aspired to the senior executive ranks and was looking for a career path that would get her there and stating much more explicitly the type of position she expected on her return. Although she was initially reluctant to send what she viewed as a presumptuous message, Amanda did forward it and was pleasantly surprised by the response. Her company colleagues liked her confident approach and her expressions of ambitious career aspirations. And why not? That’s how senior executives behave, and Amanda had shown she was just like them.

Showing confidence seems often to be a particular issue for women, who are socialized to be deferential and less assertive. But that behavior causes problems. Research by social psychologist Brenda Major shows that women work longer and harder for the same amount of money, award themselves lower salaries, and have lower career-entry and peak-earnings expectations than men.18 One implication of this research is that because women don’t think they are worth as much, they are disadvantaged in salary negotiations, which is one reason why there are persistent male-female earnings differentials.

The consequences of not being confident and assertive apply to everyone, not just to women, and not just in salary determination. If you aren’t confident about what you deserve and what you want, you will be reluctant to ask or to push, and therefore you will be less successful in obtaining money or influence compared to those who are bolder than you.

Empathy with Others

Training in negotiation often includes advice to negotiate over “interests” rather than “positions.” Through a process of mutual concessions, both parties may end up better off, but in order to succeed at such an approach, you need to understand where the other is coming from. This ability to put yourself in another’s place is also useful for acquiring power. One of the sources of Lyndon Johnson’s success as Senate majority leader was his assiduous attention to the details of his 99 colleagues, knowing which ones wanted a private office, who were the drunks, who were the womanizers, who wanted to go on a particular trip—all the mundane details that permitted him to accurately predict how people would vote and figure out what to give each senator to gain his or her support.

University of Texas psychologist William Ickes has studied empathic understanding. He notes:

Empathetically accurate perceivers are those who are consistently good at “reading” other people’s thoughts and feelings. All else being equal, they are likely to be the most tactful advisors, the most diplomatic officials, the most effective negotiators, the most electable politicians, the most productive salespersons, the most successful teachers, and the most insightful therapists.19

What sometimes gets in the way of putting ourselves in the shoes of others is too much focus on the end goal and our own objectives and not enough concern for recruiting others to our side—or at least curtailing the likelihood of their opposition. When Laura Esserman was pushing for changes at the breast care center at UCSF, she also agreed to raise funds for a mammography van to provide access to these diagnostic services in the poorer sections of San Francisco. Meanwhile, the department of surgery, where she held her primary appointment, was running a deficit, and the department chair wondered why a radiology service was being supported out of surgery; the medical center’s chief financial officer was worried about the bond ratings for the debt required to build a new medical school campus in the Mission Bay section of San Francisco; and many administrators were concerned about treating more Medicaid patients, given the inadequate reimbursement rates, in the event that the mobile diagnostic unit turned up lots of poor women with breast cancer.

Initially focused on saving lives, providing treatment