Prime Time - Jane Fonda [86]
As Dr. Schnarch writes, “If sexual intimacy has to do with disclosing yourself through sex, people who can let themselves be known have more potential for profound sexual experiences.”4 It took me longer than some, perhaps, but I know that because I have finally become my own person now—with a lot of work, on my own and in therapy—I am also a better, more sensuous lover than when I was younger. I’ve kept my body in pretty good shape, but there is no way that a woman in her seventies can have as taut and toned a body as a younger woman. Gravity takes its toll; the skin loosens. Still, when I think back to the time when, physically, I was at my peak, neither my pleasure nor the pleasure I gave was as deep as now or as much fun. As Dr. Schnarch writes, “It’s not about how your body looks or how you position it, it’s about your frame of mind and emotional connection with your partner. It’s not about frequency of sex; it’s about eroticism. It’s not about technique; it’s about integrating your head with your genitals.”5 Language, self-confidence, and self-awareness permit us to bring meaning to sex beyond just the knee-jerk reaction of lubrication, erection, orgasm. We can talk to each other, gaze into each other’s eyes. “The brain,” says Dr. Schnarch, “is our biggest sex organ.”6 He also points out that “emotional stimulation is often a more powerful determinant of genital function and satisfaction than is touch.”7 Happily, this coincides with the age-related changes in sexuality that can be offset, to an amazing extent, by a shift from the biological drive to thoughts and feelings as determinants of our sexuality.
Freed of the need to “perform,” men who have trouble getting erections may be able to experience a whole new type of sexual intimacy that has no boundaries. The entire body becomes sexualized, and the experience can last for hours. Just what women have longed for! Now, when both women and men need more tactile stimulation—touching, massaging, stimulation with hands and mouth—we need to get comfortable about asking for what we want instead of thinking that “if he really loved me, he would just know.” Our partners aren’t mind readers, and what may be good for them may not do the trick for us. He might love knowing how to please you more. Tell him. Show him. Teach him. Read the books. Read them together. Ask him to tell you what he likes, and then implement what he asks for. This will encourage him to do the same for you. Don’t leave out his nipples. Many men’s nipples are highly sensitive, and suckling on them may be just what he needs to get aroused.
We must not assume that lack of erection means the man is not attracted to us or is unable to provide exquisite pleasure. “Remove the belief that sex is intercourse,” writes Dr. Marty Klein, “and all those non-erect penises become non-problematic.… That’s what modern older people need—a new way to think about sex so that they can be sexual regardless of physical capacity.” 8
I like what Gail Sheehy writes in her book New Passages: “The mature man is ready to graduate from adolescent ‘racing-car sex’ to ‘body-surfing sex.’ Imagine riding the waves of love, moving up with the swells of pleasure when sexual energy is high and down with ebbs of intensity, when love and stroking can be enjoyed, then up on the next pleasure wave, and down in the rest cycle, when partners just lie there breathing and holding each other and whispering love, until they feel the next wave of sexual energy starting to rise again.”9 This requires trust and the investment of time. It means giving up the performance-oriented striving for orgasm. If orgasm does come, it will be much more profound, because the body is so ripe with sexual energy. Whether or not there is orgasm, whether or not the penis is erect, this approach to lovemaking demonstrates the matured power of the man to give and receive pleasure and love.
Erica Jong, the author of twenty-one books of poetry, fiction, and nonfiction, including the acclaimed novel about women