Prime Time - Jane Fonda [87]
“So,” Erica explained, “we’ve discovered tantric sex, which I always thought didn’t exist. Boy, was I wrong. It took a long time to get there, but we have amazing sex when we can stop running around and arrange to be alone together.”
In her original Passages book, Gail Sheehy postulates that the holding back of orgasm so as to extend pleasure, what is called tantric sex, was developed by the Chinese because, unlike Western culture, age is venerated in that culture, so they want us to keep having fun!10
“How did you discover tantric sex?” I asked Erica.
“We started to do oral sex and touching and looking at each other, and he discovered he could have an incredibly intense orgasm when I came through oral sex.”
I asked my friend Dr. Bill Stayton, the sex therapist I wrote about in the previous chapter, how he would define a really good lover. “The best lover,” Stayton answered, “is the one who really enjoys the process of lovemaking without it having to have a certain goal—the old orgasm goal-oriented model. The process is what’s very exciting. The process is making love. When you’re orgasm-oriented, everything is the orgasm, the erection. Think of all the fun you have getting there.” Lucky Erica Jong. Clearly her husband fits Stayton’s description of the best lover.
“One of the things we know is that as a man gets older, he has less need to ejaculate,” Dr. Stayton explained. “It is important that men know that erection, orgasm, and ejaculation are three separate events and are not dependent upon each other. You can have an orgasm without an erection or an ejaculation. You can have an ejaculation without an erection or an orgasm.”
There’s no doubt that the sexual landscape will continue to change as those in the huge cohort of baby boomers enter their Third Acts. Age simply isn’t going to get in the way of their interest in and enjoyment of an active, robust sex life. After all, numerous studies have shown that, in addition to providing pleasure, an intimate, satisfying sexual relationship reduces the risk of heart disease, depression, migraine, arthritis, and stress, and boosts the immune system. My friend Reverend Debra Haffner (who is also a sexologist and a boomer) puts it this way: “Boomers will change how the culture thinks about sex and aging. We think we discovered sex, and we’re not going to give it up easily. With new medications such as hormone replacement therapy, Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, et cetera, our knees and backs will give out before our genitals do!” Tell me about it!
Match.com, the world’s leading online dating service, claims that people over fifty are the fastest-growing age group using its site. And X-rated films showing older women and men are reputed to make up the fastest-growing area of the video porn market!
Reverend Debra Haffner.
Women’s Bodies
Alongside men’s age-related changes, there are plenty of changes happening to women’s bodies, and we do well to anticipate and understand them.
There will be less vaginal lubrication, and lubrication will take longer.
The lining of the labia thins and becomes more apt to tear.
The vagina loses some elasticity.
We experience fewer uterine contractions with orgasm and, because of a drop in estrogen, the pressure sensors deep in the cervix will lose some of the sensation of thrusting. This may be remedied with estrogen replacement, which I will discuss further in the next chapter.
According to a Kaiser Family Foundation report, the aging process itself seems to increase women’s susceptibility to infection … possibly due to thinning of the vaginal walls and abrasion resulting from insufficient lubrication.
If you have been celibate for a long time and then begin a new love affair, be aware that your vagina is likely to need some attention. You would do well to have a gynecologist to turn to for answers to your questions and for prescriptions for such things as bladder, urinary tract, and yeast infections