Reaction - Lesley Choyce [11]
She wasn’t looking this way. She was just sitting there staring into her cup, appearing to be rather lonely, while all around her other kids were in groups, laughing and having a good time. I thought about going in and just hanging with her for a while. I wanted someone to talk to. Someone other than Ashley.
But I didn’t. I turned and walked away. I went home and sent an email to Mark in New Zealand. It went like this.
Yo, Mark. Do you ever have days when you feel like your freedom has been stolen from you? Do you wish like hell that you weren’t a father? Do you learn to take flack from your girlfriend’s parents? Do you feel like the rest of the world is out there having fun and your life looks like prison? Or is it all truly worth it? Tell me that being a father is the best damn thing on the planet.
Your buddy in North America,
Zach, Future Super Dad
Chapter Twelve
The next day at school, something clicked. Kiley was still running into me way too often. And something had changed about her. Her hair, her clothes. She’d always been a good-looking girl, but now something was different. And that way she looked at me. Honest, I tried to ignore it at first.
“I know what you’re going through isn’t easy, Zach. So I’m here for you any time if you want to talk. I’ve got a new cell. Here’s the number.” She slipped a piece of paper into my hand.
That night I got an email back from Mark.
Zach, dude. I don’t know how to say this without sounding like the world’s biggest turd. But that website thing— well, some of it is true. A lot of it is true, I guess. But, I mean, it was, like, this project we got a government grant to do. We told our stories, tried to put some smiley faces on the rough parts.
But fatherhood when you are this age is about as rough as it gets. Sure, the whole baby-being-born thing is great. But then it kicks in. You think flack from the girl’s folks is the worst part? It isn’t. Losing your freedom is the worst of it. I can’t believe how much I miss some of the silly stuff I used to do—just hanging with my mates and that sort of thing.
I had to stop reading then. This wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Not now, not feeling the way I was already feeling. And that image of Kiley smiling at me kept popping up in my head.
I swallowed hard.
And then I read the next line.
When I first started getting your emails, I thought it was, like, my role to encourage you. But now I know I was wrong. Dude, if you can bow out of this now, go for it. The world will not come crashing to an end. Sorry to have to say it, but there it is.
Your buddy in Kiwiland,
Mark
I woke up in a sweat that night. Why couldn’t this all just be a bad dream? Why couldn’t it all just go away? And why was this happening to me? By the next morning, however, I had decided to not let any of it get to me. Mark, whoever he was, was a jerk. How could he flaunt how great it was to be a father on a website, and then in those emails, and then, deep down, resent it? To hell with him. I had to be there for Ashley. I’d promised her that.
Breakfast was usually pretty quick at my house with my mom, dad and me burning toast and spilling coffee and not much talk. But my parents could see something was troubling me.
“Zach,” my mom said, “I know this has all been pretty tough on you, but I think I’m actually quite proud of the way you’re handling things.”
“Most boys your age,” my dad added, “wouldn’t be willing to do what you’re trying to do.”
This should have been good news. My parents