Reaction - Lesley Choyce [4]
A guy in a van picked me up and drove me a half hour out of town, all the while talking about baseball and politics. A second driver, a guy in his early twenties who looked like he was high, took me farther up into the mountains. The music was loud, and he didn’t speak to me the whole time. When we came to a river with a waterfall, I asked him to let me out there.
As I climbed down the embankment, I tried to calm myself. I hiked away from the highway along the raging river and sat at the base of the waterfall. It seemed both frightening, with all that power, but also beautiful. I took a deep breath and suddenly felt kind of giddy.
I had escaped. I had taken the first step in just leaving all that crap behind. I could do this. I could just disappear. Go somewhere else where no one knew me and no one would find me. Forget about Ashley and the stupid pregnancy. Forget about what everyone back there thought of me.
It would be that easy.
The giddiness lasted for almost an hour. And then the doubt set in.
I scooped some of the icy cold water into my hands and splashed it onto my face once and then twice.
And then reality slammed back into me like a freight train.
Could I do this to my parents? Did I really want to leave everything behind?
Yes, maybe I could do this if I had to. But not yet. Not now. I felt vulnerable. I’d only been gone a few hours, and I was already feeling lost and lonely. It would be dark soon. Then what? I felt like a lost little boy.
The hitchhiking back home wasn’t so easy. I think the first driver who stopped, a middle-aged woman with sunglasses, was drunk. She slurred her speech. The next driver turned out to be a church minister who kept asking me what was wrong. I didn’t tell him. It took three more short rides, each after a long wait, to get me back to my neighborhood.
I’d missed dinner, and my mom and dad wanted to know where I’d been.
“You’ve been acting weird,” my dad said. “Want to tell us what’s wrong?”
My dad’s an okay guy, just a little old-school. Always did everything by the book. How could I answer him?
And my mom. She stood there looking so worried. I knew that she’d never approved of Ashley. Maybe it was the age thing. Maybe something else. They were both good parents. I hated doing this to them, but I was going crazy keeping my problems to myself. So I said it.
“I got Ashley pregnant.”
I saw the muscles in my father’s jaw tighten. I saw the shock in his eyes. And my mom—she sucked in a gasp of air and then looked quickly away out the window.
I went upstairs to my bedroom and lay on my bed. Ten minutes later my mom and dad came in with my dinner and watched in awkward silence as I took a few bites. Finally, my father cleared his throat and asked, “Have the two of you gone to speak to a doctor or someone at Planned Parenthood? You have options, you know.”
There was that word.
“I’m not sure Ashley will talk to me.”
“Call her,” my mom said. “Talk to her.”
After they left me alone, I did call her. And, amazingly, she did not hang up.
“I nearly ran away today. For good.”
“Why did you come back?” I didn’t hear any anger in her voice.
“I don’t know. I just couldn’t leave.”
“What you said today in the coffee shop, was it true?”
I took a deep breath. I couldn’t lie to her. “I don’t know. I’m not even sure I know what love is. I just know that I do care what happens to you. I know it’s my fault, but I’d like to be there for you.”
“I’m not sure what to say. One minute I hate you and the next I want to be with you. It’s like an emotional roller coaster.”
“I know,” I said.
“What do you want us to do?”
“I want us to go together to Planned Parenthood. I want to find some stuff out. Okay?”
There was a long dead silence on the line.
Then she said, “Okay.”
Chapter Six
We went to the clinic the next day after school. Neither of us told our parents. We were both nervous, but the clinic staff treated us okay. We sat in a room with a lady doctor. She said her name was Dr. Benson. She seemed nice enough, and you