Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [2]
Before you read our book, there are some ways not to read it:
Don’t read as a voyeur trying to figure out our sex life. Grace and I are honest throughout the book, hoping you will be able to trust us and also be honest with your spouse and others you trust. Our desire is to help you focus on yourself and your marriage rather than us and our marriage.
Don’t read as a critic trying to find where you think we might be wrong. Although we seek to be faithful to the Bible, this book is not the Bible, and, like you, we are imperfect, so there will be mistakes. Take whatever gifts you find in this book, and feel free to leave the rest.
Don’t read sections of the book and tell your spouse, “I told you so.” This book is not meant to be a pile of rocks for you to throw at each other in bitterness.
Don’t say, “I [we] tried that, and it did not work.” If it’s rooted in biblical wisdom, keep trying until it works or you die. Try to do it better, more consistently, or differently.
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Don’t keep thinking about all the other people who need to read this book. Read it for yourself first, and don’t fall into the religious trap of ignoring your own spiritual growth by always reading for others and not yourself.
Don’t be lazy and unwilling to put in the work that this book requires. We did not write to give you just another book on marriage to add to your stack, but rather to provide an opportunity for the Holy Spirit to give you some things to work hard at in your life and marriage.
Do not read this book seeing your spouse’s shortcomings and sins as planks and yours as specks. The small specks are in their eye; the planks are in yours.
Do not fool yourself that you are the exception because of some extenuating life circumstances.
Do not read this book trying to find a way to have a “good enough” (but not great) marriage. Yes, if you really get into the issues in your marriage, you will likely have seasons of crisis and chaos to overcome before you get to a better place.
But that is far better than faking it, as too many couples do. The good times do not come despite the bad times; they come after them, if you deal with them.
Do not just read this book, but also talk about it often with your spouse, chapter by chapter. As you do, don’t let your tongue get beyond your control. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Proverbs 12:18 says, “There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword.” Simply, speak the truth in love and pray for your heart and words so you don’t attack, instigate, or lie.
Don’t copy our methods. The principles in this book are more important than the methods. Principles are timeless and unchanging. Methods vary from marriage to marriage and person to person. Many marriage books focus too heavily on methods that worked for one couple’s marriage, but because you and your spouse are unique, those methods may not work for you and your marriage. So, please do not confuse principles and methods. Hold fast to biblical principles and remain flexible and teachable with methods for your marriage.
In closing, thank you for taking the time to read our book. As a ministry couple, it honestly means the world to us that we might be able to serve you in some way.
Pastor Mark and Grace Driscoll
INTRODUCTION
The couple were devout Christians and virgins when they first met. Forty years later, the pain of their marriage showed on their faces. As they spoke to me of their troubles during our pastoral counseling session in my office, they each hung their heads in loneliness and grief.
There had been no adultery. There had been no divorce. But there had been no friendship. Although they did a lot of work together, they hadn’t had much fun. With their children grown and home empty, the glue that once held them together was gone, and they were reduced to life as nearly sexless roommates.
In the most painfully awkward moment