Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [29]
When a woman marries a man, she’s trusting that for the rest of her life he won’t hit her, cheat on her, rape her, or kill her; that he’ll work hard, pay the bills, love their children, finish the race well, and walk with Jesus till the end; that if she gets sick, he’ll look after her; that if she is dying, he will be faithful to her. Gentlemen, it is a terrifying thing for a woman to trust a sinful man. Will he take responsibility or dump it all on her? Will he be too tough and crush her? Will he be too tender and allow her to be crushed?
As a man, I don’t think I fully understood this until I had daughters, and now I have some understanding of that fear. The thought of walking my daughters down the aisle and handing them to a man and trusting that he will love them and protect them and serve them and care for them and look after them causes me fear and grave concern.
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It is the responsibility of the husband to hear and obey God continually so that these fears are diminished. This is why in 1 Peter 3:7, we read, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.”
Wives have legitimate fears. Husbands need to help alleviate those fears by loving “in an understanding way, showing honor.” Every man who reads this, even the best man among us, has areas of repentance and growth that are required. Consider the following ways to honor your wife.
Honor Your Wife Physically
Peter said that the woman is the “weaker vessel.” What that means is, generally speaking, if a husband and a wife get in a cage fight, he’ll win.
Do you ever hit her? Do you ever shove her? Do you ever push her? Do you ever grab her, restrain her? Do you ever raise a hand and threaten her? Do you ever threaten her with physical violence? Do you give her that look, that pierced, glazed, violent, angry, don’t-push-it-now’s-a-good-time-to-shut-up look? Do you tell her, “I’m getting very angry; you should just shut up right now or it’s gonna go bad for you”? Do you get right in her face? Do you intimidate her with your presence? Do you play the role of the bully to push your wife around?
You honor your wife physically by being safe for her, protective of her, and tender with her. In this way she will see your physical strength as a blessing instead of a danger. This is important to learn. In sports, men are taught to find a weakness in their opponent and exploit it. But since a husband is one with his wife—who is not his opponent—her weakness is his weakness, which means he needs to honor and protect it rather than exploit it. Because she is a crystal goblet and he is a thermos means she is not only delicate but also precious.
Honor Your Wife Emotionally
Some men say, “I’m not emotional; I don’t connect.” This is a lie. Men and women have the same emotions; they just express them in masculine and feminine ways. Your wife needs intimacy. She wants you to know her. She wants to know you. She wants you to open up. She wants you to be passionate and loving and honest. The Bible says that Adam was with his wife, and he “knew her.”
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There are too many guys who turn marriage into a job description. He does his responsibility, she does hers, and there’s no emotional connection whatsoever. This is a sin of omission. “I didn’t hit her; I didn’t yell at her.” But you didn’t love her. You didn’t connect with her. You didn’t encourage her. You didn’t pursue her. So ultimately, you failed her. Not only do women initiate most divorces; they often do so because they have lost hope that their emotionally flaccid husbands will ever change, and so they walk away forever.
One Christian author used the idea of “love languages.”1 His thesis is that people give and receive love differently. For some people, love is words—verbal or written—of encouragement, adoration, appreciation, and the like. For others, love is received or given in gifts large and small that convey generosity and affection. Love may be service