Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [39]
Respect includes your head, heart, and hands. As I began this chapter, I was struggling (pridefully) to think of examples of how I disrespect Mark. I’m guessing if you know anything about Mark’s character as a man, he tends to naturally command respect, so you might assume that I’m a naturally respectful wife. I thought that was true for a long time, and the first time Mark told me I was a disrespectful wife, I laughed and said, “Me? What are you talking about? I’m always nice to you.” I could see he was frustrated and serious, and from that point on I started to question how I was disrespecting him.
67
When I recall my initial response, I can clearly see now that it was completely prideful and disrespectful because it claimed no fault and disregarded his rebuke. It is important to pray about our issues with respect and listen to our husbands’ concerns. My disrespect included my head, heart, and hands. My head sinned by not desiring to listen and potentially repent; my heart sinned with prideful disregard for how Mark felt; my hands sinned by not reaching out to him both physically and emotionally.
Heads of Respect
Respect starts in our heads and includes our minds and thoughts. Disrespect also starts in our heads and can begin with a very subtle temptation that over time affects our hearts and hands. James 1:14–15 describes it perfectly: “But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.” Disrespect starts when we think things like: That was a dumb decision he made; I can do better than that. I wish he were more like _____. I’ ll just fix all the things he does wrong. I hope the kids don’t grow up to be like him. When he is out of town, life is easier. I won’t ask him because he won’t understand. If you are thinking this way toward your husband and let it continue, it will seep into your heart and eventually come out in your words and actions toward your husband. We need to stop disrespectful lies and sinful thoughts before they “give birth.”
In 2 Corinthians 10 we are reminded to continually bring “every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ” (v.6) Every thought? That seems impossible. We can only do this through prayer and, as Romans 12:2 says, letting God renew (replace with holy thoughts) our minds with Scripture and His wisdom. As Philippians 4:8–9 says,
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
68
What an honor it is that He allows us to speak to and listen to Him anytime we want! We need to take full advantage of that opportunity throughout our days, while we are working, exercising, driving, cooking, cleaning, waiting for the kids at school. God is always available to help us. Subsequently, our days must be filled with truth from God and prayer to God if we hope to grow as respectful wives.
Many of us read about respect and are inclined to agree that it is a vital character trait for a wife to cultivate by the grace of God. But some of us are more inclined to bristle and disagree. Unfortunately, it’s an issue that has been used by some—at times from the pulpit itself—to demean women or cause them to feel less valued. We may have experienced things in our lives that caused us to build emotional walls to protect ourselves and create systems of thinking that give us a false sense of safety. Often we are not aware that we are doing this.”2 This was true in my life, as I didn’t have brothers and had very little understanding of guys. Some of you may not