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By Root 754 0

returned. I felt squashed and he felt neglected. We went around in this cycle for years before we realized it was only getting worse, and we were becoming more divided. He had to learn to draw me out by loving me, even if he was angry with me about something; and I had to learn to engage in respectful conversation by not being silent. I had to learn (and am still learning) how to disagree, pray, counsel, submit, and encourage respectfully. It has been an interesting process of going from silent to fighting back to prayerfully considering my words. God is still showing me how to be “swift to hear, slow to speak,” so I wanted to share some of the lessons I have learned from mistakes I have made over the years.b

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Disagreeing Respectfully

Many people ask Mark and me if we ever fight. Yes. We believe that if you never fight, you probably aren’t having heartfelt conversations that often lead to disagreement. We’ve never known a couple to agree on everything and live in perfect harmony unless they were in denial or didn’t want to allow change or healthy conflict in their own lives. The key is to fight as friends and not as foes. Friends do fight, but they fight lovingly and respectfully. If your husband is verbally or physically abusing you, he is not loving or respecting you. If this is an ongoing issue, it should be addressed and stopped immediately by a pastor or trustworthy leader who will listen to you both. We never condone abuse (nor does the Bible), and if you don’t get help, you could be in danger. There is further discussion of abuse in chapter 7 if you would like to have more information. If you are not in an abusive relationship, viewing your husband as a friend should help you engage respectfully rather than defensively.

There are two extreme types of women during times of disagreement with their husbands: the silent, compliant wife or the loud, contentious wife.

When faced with conflict, the silent, compliant wife supports everything her husband says and does, thinking she is practicing holy submission, but instead she is making her husband into an idol that she worships. In so doing, she is not being a helper, but rather an enabler. Women like this see their lives get progressively sadder and harder as their husbands make foolish decisions. One woman I know has a husband who continually made foolish business decisions that have bankrupted their family, left them destitute, and indebted them to many fellow Christians. All of this happened while she said very little to him. Another woman has a husband who demands that she submit to his authority, while he repeatedly refuses to submit to any church authority. As a result, their family has moved from church to church, since anytime a ministry leader broaches sin in the husband’s life, he becomes divisive and leaves the church. Subsequently, she is no longer in any meaningful fellowship and is quite lonely and hurting. She has never really stood up to her husband and should do so in a respectful way because she is supposed to be a helper. Proverbs 19:14 says, “A prudent wife is from the Lord.”

A silent, compliant wife is guilty of the sin of the “fear of man.” Proverbs 29:25 says, “The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe.” Noted biblical counselor Ed Welch said,

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Fear in the biblical sense . . . includes being afraid of someone, but it extends to holding someone in awe, being controlled or mastered by people, worshipping other people, putting your trust in people, or needing people. . . . The fear of man can be summarized this way: We replace God with people. Instead of a biblically guided fear of the Lord, we fear others. . . . When we are in our teens, it is called “peer pressure.” When we are older, it is called “people-pleasing.” Recently, it has been called “codependency.4

When we fear someone wrongly, our identity, joy, value, and security are tied to that person above the Lord. As a result, we avoid his or her rejection or disappointment at all costs. But in so doing we are not loving that individual by respectfully