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For women, it is common to worship our husbands by fearing them wrongly. In fact, “fear not” is the most common command in the Bible.5 Many women allow their marriages to be governed by their fears. For some women, this fear in their minds and hearts leads to symptoms of anxiety in their bodies—everything from chronic illness to panic attacks and depression. For such women, Jesus’ words are to be heard as a loving invitation more than a stern command. In Luke 12:22 Jesus says, “Do not worry about your life.” And, in Luke 12:25, Jesus says, “Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?” My life scripture is Philippians 4:5–7: “The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

If this describes you, or you have experienced fear when disagreeing with your husband, please remember the verse from 1 Peter regarding Sarah, “Do what is right and do not give way to fear” (3:6 NIV). Pray for the Holy Spirit to convict you of your sin so you don’t breed pride in your husband and hold him in a place of perfection that only God should be. It is not a sin to have a different opinion from your husband or to see sin or folly in your husband. You need to learn freedom in respectfully expressing these things to him. A good way to start is to pray first; then ask questions rather than make accusations or strong statements. Pray for God to give you a humble boldness.

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On the other hand, if you are the loud contentious wife, you tend to fight back with cutting remarks when you are faced with conflict.

Proverbs has a lot to say about such women:

A foolish woman is clamorous;

She is simple, and knows nothing. (9:13)

Better to dwell in the wilderness,

Than with a contentious and angry woman. (21:19)

As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout,

So is a lovely woman who lacks discretion. (11:22)

[A wife] who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones. (12:4)

Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop,

Than in a house shared with a contentious woman. (21:9)

A continual dripping on a very rainy day

And a contentious woman are alike. (27:15)

Fighting disrespectfully and unrepentantly puts your husband in a lose-lose situation. This is doubly true if you do so in front of other people, especially your children. If he walks away, you win. If he stays and fights angrily, you win. This is a form of manipulation to get your way. You want control, and you are going to get it by breaking him down, whether it’s little by little or all at once! Men refer to this kind of wife as a “ball breaker.” I don’t usually use terms like this, but I believe you need to understand the seriousness of how this feels to your husband. In the end, ask yourself if you have more or less respect for him when you’ve “won” the fight. If you cause him to want to “live in the wilderness or on the corner of the roof” rather than with you, you haven’t won anything; rather, you have caused division in your marriage. Pray for the Holy Spirit to convict you of your sin so you don’t destroy your husband and put him in a place of submission to you. Women with this tendency complain that their husbands won’t lead, but often the wives won’t let them. Honestly, underneath a controlling attitude there is usually a major fear that a wife needs to work through, such as from past abuse or a neglectful father or the fear of being seen as a “doormat.” It is common to place our past experiences on our spouses, but we need to repent and let them earn fresh trust in our marriage.

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I have also heard both types of women, compliant and contentious, use the excuse of it being “just my personality” or “just the way I am” that is perceived as disrespectful. I want to clarify that I know women with quiet personalities and outgoing personalities who are equally