Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [45]
What fears do you have about your husband? What fears do you have about letting God change you? What fears do you have about your marriage? What fears do you have about your future?
It’s normal for us to have concerns, but when they rise to an unhealthy level, some women rush in to rule over their husbands in an effort to serve as functional saviors and avoid whatever it is they are afraid of. But women who succeed in ruling over their husbands through disrespect, eventually despise those same men who allow themselves to be yelled at and bossed around like pets. Or the wife finds herself in an ongoing battle with her own husband until he simply starts spending more and more time away from her, as Proverbs predicts.
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As wives, our goal cannot be to have our husbands control us or for us to control them. Instead, we are to be controlled by the Holy Spirit to follow our husbands’ leadership as respectful helpers. This allows us to disagree with our husbands in ways that are truthful, helpful, and respectful. We can and should influence them toward God and God’s purposes for our lives together. There is a balance between being submissive and participating in the marriage as an equal bearer of God’s image. Finding that balance requires humility and wisdom.
Again, we need to be quick to listen and slow to speak, but what do you do if you are dialoguing and trying to work toward agreement, but still don’t agree? First of all, you need to both agree that you are on the same team and want to work toward oneness rather than division. For several years, Mark truly felt as if I were his enemy because of my lack of support and constant criticism during trials in our marriage. God showed me in one of our “stuck” fights that I needed to tell him I was not his enemy but wanted to learn how to be his friend. This changed something in him as he saw me open to learning how to be a safe confidante and start being an ally. Following are three practical options for resolution that have been helpful to us as we learn to communicate in loving and respectful ways.
Option 1
The husband prays over an issue, discusses it with his wife, and either patiently waits for his wife to come to agree with him through her prayer and processing, or God changes his mind and he comes to see the wisdom in her disagreement. This is how most differences are settled in a healthy marriage.
OR
Option 2
The husband appeals to a higher authority, such as a pastor or Bible-based counselor who is not a relative or biased friend. The husband and wife each present their case to the mediator, who then makes a decision that they both obey. If this is a common occurrence, there is a serious underlying problem in the marriage, likely due to significant theological disagreement or personal distrust.
OR
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Option 3
The husband makes the decision and the wife follows it. If the husband’s decision is found to be wrong, he needs to be willing to admit that humbly, and the wife needs to be careful not to denigrate him by continually reminding him (“I told you so”). If the husband’s decision is found to be right, the wife needs to be willing to admit that she was wrong. This shows humility and builds trust in future decisions.
Every disagreement is an opportunity for oneness or division. Every day we are either drawing together or drifting apart. As wives, we can be a tremendous blessing if we continually seek, by the grace of God, to be respectful helpers fighting against being