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Counseling Respectfully

What comes to mind when you think of counseling? A therapy session with someone asking you personal questions, a wise person in your life—how about a war image? When the Bible speaks of Jesus as our “Wonderful Counselor,” it uses the imagery of a kingdom at war, led by a valiant king who makes battle plans with wise counsel.a The Bible often says that life is a war. With our flesh in us conspiring with the world around us, and the Enemy against us, we need our Wonderful Counselor and a wise battle plan compiled by a multitude of counselors. Proverbs 20:18 says, “Plans are established by counsel; by wise guidance wage war.” Proverbs 24:5–6 says, “A wise man is strong, yes, a man of knowledge increases strength; for by wise counsel you will wage your own war, and in a multitude of counselors there is safety.”

How does this relate to marriage? As helpers, we are to be wise counselors to our husbands. Not the Wise Counselor or the only earthly counselor, as men need other men for wise help as well. Your role requires constantly praying for wisdom and knowing how and when to share it with your husband. Sometimes your husband will ask you for counsel. Sometimes you should kindly and respectfully ask how you could give your counsel, and see if he is open. If not, pushing it will not help, but praying for God to open his heart is wise. If he is not interested in your counsel, he will likely learn a few things the hard way. When this happens, he will be waiting for you to shame him and remind him of how right you were. But if you are respectful, he will be more likely to seek your counsel in the future. In doing these things, a wife takes time to earn her husband’s trust and learn to seek God’s wisdom for herself in the process.

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It has taken several years for Mark and me to see the fruitfulness in considering each other’s counsel. If I am anxious about something, God has taught me how to pray and wait to speak or trust Him to use others to bring wise counsel. I can honestly say that, after being married for almost twenty years, I have seen God use the most random ways to speak into Mark’s life when I didn’t know how. It has grown my own faith and taught me much about God’s sovereignty. There will be some trial and error if this hasn’t been a healthy pattern in your marriage, but it can bring great oneness as you wage the war together instead of against one another. In what ways can you be a more helpful, respectful, and wiser friend? In what ways can you make better use of your spouse’s wisdom to make your life and family more fruitful?

Encouraging Respectfully

Do you have the spiritual gift of encouragement? Is encouragement something that comes naturally to you, or do you have to work at it? Does your husband consider you to be an encouraging helper and friend? We all know people who have a way of making us feel cared for and hopeful, even when pointing out sin and folly in our lives. A wife is the most powerful person in her husband’s life, with a great opportunity to encourage her husband toward godliness through her words, actions, and body language. Several years ago, Mark told me that my encouragement means more than anyone else’s, which surprised me. He explained that since I know everything about him, good and bad, when I encourage him, he knows it is authentic. Some people encourage for selfish reasons; others think they are encouraging, but they aren’t. I used to think that being Mark’s greatest critic was encouraging because I was “helping” him see his problems. I couldn’t have been more wrong. If your husband is aware of his problems, he will be tempted to cover them up unless he feels safe to bring them to you, his wife, and invite you to help him overcome them.

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Do you think nagging or slipping into “mom mode” and lecturing him like a child is at all encouraging? What about backhanded compliments? Aren’t they partially encouraging? Everything, for a man, is viewed as