Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [48]
Third, the Bible never commands women to submit to men in general. This would lead to horrendous abuse. Instead, the Bible commands husbands to love their wives with the kind of patience, affection, devotion, and humility that Jesus demonstrates toward the church as her friend. As a godly author, Bible scholar, pastor, and husband of more than thirty-eight years (with one of the best marriages we have ever seen), Raymond C. Ortlund Jr. said, “The model of headship is our Lord, the Head of the church, who gave Himself for us. The antithesis to male headship is male domination. By male domination I mean the assertion of the man’s will over the woman’s will, heedless of her spiritual equality, her rights, and her value.”6 We in no way accept domination. And the Bible commands wives to submit to their husbands by respectfully following their leadership. In so doing, a woman is protected from the abuse of other men because of her loving relationship with her husband. Ortlund went on to say, “The ‘natural outcome’ of godly male headship is female fulfillment, not a denial of female rights.”7 A wife flourishes with a loving husband, and a husband becomes courageous with a respectful wife.
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A husband reflecting the gospel by loving his wife as Jesus does the church isn’t something that happens overnight with a man, unless he has had godly manhood training by his parents, and even then it is tested and further learned through circumstances in the marriage. The same is true regarding respectful submission for a wife. Since we are all sinners, for leadership and submission to grow in a marriage, it takes time, prayer, Scripture study, communication, humility, and a desire to serve your spouse. Ideally you are both working on your biblical command so you can grow in your oneness.
For women, the key to growing in respectful submission is to look to Jesus Christ. In the very nature of the trinitarian God of the Bible there is functional submission through what is called “ontological equality.” What this means is that although the Father, Son, and Spirit are different persons, they are also equal and one while practicing submission. Similarly, a husband and wife are equal and one while practicing submission. For example, more than forty times in John’s gospel alone, we learn that God the Father sent God the Son to earth. And while on the earth, Jesus practiced submission by teaching us to pray, “Your will be done”a and Himself praying, “not My will, but Yours be done.”b Jesus also said that while on earth He only did what the Father told Him to do and said what the Father told Him to say.8 Jesus said this was because “I can of Myself do nothing. As I hear, I judge; and My judgment is righteous, because I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me.”9 Importantly, Jesus’ submission was both emotional and vocal. He said what He felt, as when He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane before His crucifixion. This means that a woman can simultaneously be respectfully submissive and vocally honest with both her husband and God about how she’s feeling.
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If your husband isn’t working on his part of loving, you are still called to work on your part of submitting, knowing that God hears your prayers and honors your obedience. This doesn’t mean if there is abuse or harm you are to endure it. But, as a helper on mission, you are supposed to respectfully discuss how he can be loving and ask how you can be respectful. Biblically these go hand in hand, and you are to help each other understand how to live out what love and respect mean. These should be regular conversations and actions if you want your marriage and friendship to mature. You might want to start with one area for each of you to work on so you don’t get overwhelmed and discouraged. It requires time alone together and focused listening to mutually benefit the relationship. If you don’t plan for these times and just wait for things to