Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [49]
One woman, an example of a compliant wife who is painfully learning about godly submission instead of enabling, told me, “In my own sin, I chose to falsely flatter that which wasn’t honorable in my husband, selfishly hoping I’d get a better experience. My sins of giving way to fear [of conflict and of her husband’s disapproval] led me to submit dutifully while becoming more enslaved in my husband’s self-focused desires rather than the Lord’s desires.” Our sin makes things messy.
Conversely, a contentious wife who resists submission said, “My sin of constant disrespect and lack of submission has caused a part of my husband to die. I’ve made him afraid to lead me. He avoids talking to me so I won’t argue with him and doesn’t trust my love for him. He sees me as his enemy instead of a wife and friend because I am quarrelsome. I thought if I took control I would respect him more, but it didn’t work.”
These were very painful realizations for these women, but there is hope for God to forgive and reconcile these couples. We’ve seen miraculous things happen in our own marriage and for many others whom God has given us the opportunity to counsel. It’s never too late to turn from sin, but the longer you wait, the more painful it can be—so I encourage you to start now. Our marriages only seem “unfixable” if we are unwilling to repent. We’ll be covering repentance in more depth in a later chapter.
85
In closing this chapter, I can’t emphasize enough the importance of respect. I could give you pages of examples of marriages that are miserable because the wives are unwilling to see their disrespect. Unfortunately, we live in a day and age where women in the workplace with your husband sometimes show more respect to him than you do at home. We need to protect our husbands from that false form of flattery, and if they are neglected at home, it leaves them vulnerable. It doesn’t excuse any form of them straying from the marriage, but we need to be aware that there is even a name for these kind of work relationships—“work spouse”—because it is so common. “A work spouse is a co-worker of the opposite sex with whom you have a close platonic relationship. In many ways, these relationships can mirror a real marriage.”10 If you are a woman working outside the home, and your marriage is struggling, you also need to be alert to this temptation. Because this is a newly studied issue, the number of people who claim to have this type of “work spouse” relationship ranges from 30 to 60 percent!11 I think the 30 percent is shocking enough, but 60 percent is a devastating number, if true, for our marriages. Someone else may be willing to step into the role of spouse for your husband, but only for the eight hours she sees him at work.
I urge you, as I do myself, to constantly examine how you can be a better helper to your husband and image bearer of God to those around you through your marriage. After years of the hard work of letting God break our sinful habits, Mark and I can honestly say we are more thankful than ever for each other. When I am respectful and he is loving, there is nothing better than the oneness and friendship it creates. It is worth every ounce of suffering it may take to get there! Nonetheless, our goal cannot be to fix our husbands or even to save our marriages, but rather to glorify God by submitting to our husbands, trusting that His commands are those of a loving Father who not only wants our lives to work but to be ones of worship.
* * *
a Gen. 2:18, cf. 1 Tim. 2:11–15; Gen. 5:2, 1 Cor. 11:2–16; 14:33–34; Eph. 5:21–33; Col. 3:18; Titus 2:3-5; 1 Peter 3:1.
a Gen. 2:18.
a Matt. 12:34.
a Prov. 31:26.
a Gen. 2:18.
b E.g., Pss. 10:14; 118:6–7; Heb. 13:6.
a Prov. 31:12.
b James 1:19.
a Isa. 9:6.
a Gen. 1:27.
b Gen. 2:18, cf. 1 Tim. 2:11–15; Gen. 5:2, 1 Cor. 11:2–16; 14:33–34; Eph. 5:21–33; Col. 3:18; Titus 2:3-5; 1 Peter 3:1.
a Matt. 6:10.
b Luke 22:42.