Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [54]
Like a tree, the Bible tells us, bitterness has roots.a Consequently, we can saw away at our frustrations, disappointments, angers, hurts, and sadness, but unless we dig up our root of bitterness, it only returns, sometimes bigger than ever.
The only alternative to forgiveness is bitterness. And the only alternative to bitterness is forgiveness.
The true test of whether or not we are bitter is our tongues. What do we say about our spouses? Do we pray for them? This explains why Paul said, “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”a Even when the spouses we are bitter against are not present, God the Holy Spirit is, and He grieves when we speak ill of them.
Bitter spouses are prone to give demeaning and contemptuous nicknames to people they are bitter against. Bitter spouses cannot constrain their tongues, but rather the “root of bitterness springing up cause[s] trouble, and by this many become defiled”b This means that children are impacted by their parents’ bitterness, generations are affected, circles of friends are poisoned, and entire churches can be consumed with the demonic drama that proceeds from one tongue speaking on behalf of a bitter heart. Making matters even worse in our day are the innumerable opportunities that technology affords us to spew our bitterness to the world.
We can sometimes be blind or indifferent to those we have embittered. How might your spouse be bitter against you? What can you do to help your spouse overcome that bitterness?
As a general rule, those who are bitter have good reason to be angry—they have been sinned against. The sin may have been something catastrophic, such as adultery, abuse, assault, major theft, a horrible lie, great injustice, or damaging gossip. Or the sin, in and of itself, may not seem to be a big deal, but the pain it causes is severe because the person who caused it was someone you loved, trusted, and gave privileged access to your soul. Because that person betrayed you, you are devastated.
Bitterness is often unrelated to the magnitude of a sin, but instead correlates to how much you love the offender. If a stranger sins against you in a significant way, you are likely to be angry, but not bitter. If a spouse sins against you—even in a little way—however, you are likely to get bitter because you have higher expectations for your spouse’s relationship with you. And we can even become bitter against God, like Naomi (meaning “pleasant”), who changed her name to Mara (meaning “bitter”) because “‘the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me.’”a
In dealing with potential bitterness, Paul exhorted us to “[put] away lying” and “speak truth.”b To do that, we must be honest about deep heart pain. It means asking ourselves some soul-searching questions so we can get beyond simply saying we are fine, or pretending that the past solely remains in the past and that we’ve moved on when we have not.
We are all bitter at various times in our marriages. Sometimes the issue is seemingly small, other times large. In our years of ministry together we have seen hundreds and maybe thousands of examples of spouses who are bitter— bitter because they feel unappreciated, neglected, not cared for or pursued; and bitter because they have been sinned against, leaving them feeling betrayed, alone, or foolishly taken advantage of.
In seasons of bitterness, we have a proclivity to blame others, most likely our spouses, for our bitterness, as if they placed it in us through their transgression. The truth is people, even the worst of them, do not embitter us. Rather,