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A common misunderstanding among many who give advice to bitter people is that people should not be angry about the wrongs they have suffered. That counsel, however, is both unbiblical and unhelpful. God Himself does get angry throughout the Bible in response to sin, even though we are told that His wick is long and He is “slow to anger.”c Furthermore, Jesus got angry on different occasions recorded in Scripture.4

The truth is, righteous anger is the right response to sin and far more consistent with God’s character than faking happiness, approval, or acceptance. The Bible, on many occasions, gives us examples where human anger is justified.d This is why Paul did not tell us, “Do not get angry,” but rather, “Be angry, and do not sin.”a He accepted anger as a legitimate emotional response to being sinned against. But he also warned us to be careful not to combine righteous anger with unrighteous bitterness.

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Everyone gets angry. Some people stuff it and make themselves sick through stress while appearing closed, odd, emotionally stunted, dull, or fake. Others become passively hostile, often making snide comments under the auspices of kidding, when they really intended to be cruel. And still others stack up their bitterness by not dealing with it until they explode in an instant—perhaps completely overreacting to a small frustration by unleashing the arsenal of anger they have been storing.

Instructing those who are angry and tempted to bitterness, Paul exhorted us to have a sense of urgency in dealing with our anger, not to wait even a day to respond to it or risk becoming consumed by it. Failure to do so, he said, actually grieves God the Holy Spirit, who desires to help us work through our anger and bitterness so that Satan does not have a foothold in our souls and marriages. In an era without electricity when the day started to wind down at sunset, the phrase “do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil” meant that resolution needed to be pursued that day.b This does not mean it is unacceptable for someone who is confused or raging to take an hour or two to pray, clear his or her head, calm down, seek wise counsel, and jot down a few thoughts so that person can engage his or her spouse constructively. It does mean that, since sin separates people from one another until it is dealt with, the longer we wait, the more ground we give our Enemy in his war against our marriages.

Perhaps one of the most painful examples of mutual marital bitterness comes from one of history’s famous Christian leaders. John and Charles Wesley were brothers and the founders of Methodism, from which came the charismatic, Pentecostal, and holiness movements that include multiple Christian denominations. Charles and his wife reportedly had a loving marriage that included Charles staying home much of the time to be with his family and write most of his six thousand famous hymns. His brother John, however, had a very bitter marriage that was exacerbated by his constant travel and itinerant preaching.

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John Wesley had poured his life into his ministry of Methodism. But in February 1751 things changed when, at the age of forty-eight, the never-married John Wesley was crossing London Bridge when he slipped on ice and broke his ankle. He was then taken into the home of forty-one-year-old Molly Vazeille, a wealthy widow with four children. Without even a passing mention in his journal, the two were married eight days later. Some biographers have since referred to their ensuing marriage as the “thirty years war.” During the course of his ministry, John traveled some twenty-five thousand miles on horseback and preached some forty thousand sermons. He also believed that his marriage should in no way reduce his travel or ministry, saying, “I cannot understand how a Methodist preacher can answer it to God . . . to preach one sermon, or travel one day less, in a married than in a single state.”5

Molly tried to travel