Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [67]
If either of you is prone toward sex as god or gross, the apostle Paul exhorted you to “not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”a Change begins in the mind. Your biggest sex organ is your brain. Thinking rightly about sex is essential to your enjoyment of sex. It’s not okay for you to try to make your spouse think like you. Instead, both of you need to think like God as revealed in His Word by the Holy Spirit.
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a Gen. 2:25.
a Ezek. 14:3.
a 1 Kings 11:1–43.
a Gen. 1:28.
b Gen. 2:24.
a Gen. 4:1.
b 1 Cor. 7:2–5.
c 2 Sam. 12:24.
a Rom. 12:2.
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DISGRACE AND GRACE
The Lord . . . has shown his favor
and taken away my disgrace.
—LUKE 1:25 NIV
One night, Mark and I were casually talking about past relationships and situations in our lives when I found myself describing sexual abuse that had occurred in my past as if I were explaining how I did the laundry yesterday—no emotion, seemingly no pain, no pause for tears or reflection on my words. Mark was crying as I finished the story, and when I asked what was wrong, he informed me that I had just explained abuse. What? I had so much shame and had stuffed it for so long that I didn’t even know it was abuse until Mark told me it more than fit the definition.
To me, it was just something that happened, and I moved on. It was history, and it didn’t affect me in any way. By God’s grace to me, that night I realized that couldn’t be farther from the truth. The reality was that it had been very destructive in my relationship with God, Mark, and friends. I didn’t really trust anyone or let anyone see who I was underneath the Christian girl wearing a smile. Now, many years after the abuse had taken place, God was asking me to look it straight in the eye and let Mark be part of the healing process. I honestly wanted to take back my words and forget the conversation. It couldn’t possibly be helpful to talk about it more, I thought. Was it really necessary to reexamine that part of my life? Was Mark really safe to talk to about it, or would his response cause more pain?
Tragically, abuse is far too common for women today. Sexual assault happens to one in four women and one in six men at some point in their lifetimes.1 Because it is one of the most underreported crimes, those numbers are likely very low and only 5 to 40 percent of the actual total.2 Emotional and psychological abuse are also destructive and painful to face. If any of these are part of your past, I encourage you to read on and seek God’s grace for you in the healing process.
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I had described to Mark a relationship I was in before he and I ever met, with a guy who was a little older than me and who came from a rough family life. I met the guy in church, and I was an emotionally needy, naive girl who didn’t have brothers and wasn’t informed about boys or protected from the bad ones—admittedly not a good combination. We voluntarily slept together, and I lost my virginity to him. Over time, the guy became controlling, telling me what clothes I couldn’t wear in public, because he was very jealous. He controlled when I went out with my friends and who I could hang out with (which basically was rarely and few). He determined my schedule and free time, having me stay with him at his work much of the time. He even organized his life to follow me around and keep an eye on me. It was like having an invisible fence around me, getting stung when going outside the boundaries, and I was ruled by my fears.
Sadly, I thought all this was him taking care of me and saw myself as increasingly unable to make my own decisions. At one point his jealousy turned to rage, and he ran after me, caught me, and threw me up against a wall. I grew more and more afraid of him, too afraid to tell him to leave me alone. Like many other girls, I didn’t see this as abuse and thought he would change, but it continued