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Sex is for comfort.c

There are seasons in life when nothing can be said or done to comfort a suffering spouse. In those moments it is the ministry of touch that allows us to connect with our spouses in a way that lovingly serves them and binds us together in the suffering. We knew a couple who suffered the death of their young child. They were understandably devastated. The husband was unsure what to say or do to comfort his grieving wife, and so he simply asked what she needed. She told him that she wanted to go away for a few days to a quiet bed-and-breakfast, lie unclothed together, visit, pray, weep, and make love so that she did not feel alone in any way. They reported that being able to physically comfort each other at that time was a vital part of their healing and grieving process.

It is our prayer that you and your spouse would see sex as a gift from God. A gift to be stewarded. A gift to be guarded. A gift to be enjoyed. And a gift to be shared together for God’s glory and your good.

Before proceeding, it is vital for you and your spouse to be honest. Are either of you prone to view sex as god or gross? If so, you are in danger. Are either of you reading this book hoping to convert the other person to gross or god sex? If so, you are in danger.

We were. When we married, I (Mark) tended toward sex as god. I was a newer Christian who had accumulated most of his knowledge about sex from culture, locker-room talk, and sinning sexually with a few young women. Conversely, Grace was raised in a home that was religiously conservative when it came to sex, had sinned sexually, and had been sinned against sexually. She considered sex gross. For her I was too much sexually. For me she was too little sexually. We made very little progress for many years until we had spent considerable time talking through our sexual history and beliefs, working together through many hours in the Bible and Christian books to arrive at a unified view of sex as gift. Once we came to the same place in our thinking about sex, we began to work as allies instead of enemies. Our marriage has never been the same since, and our sex gets better all the time.

When we got married, I (Grace) didn’t understand the physical and emotional aspects of sex for men. It seemed with his high sex drive that was all Mark wanted from me and that he didn’t appreciate anything else I did. His drive seemed to get stronger the less we had sex, and I wondered if it was an idol to him or if that was normal for men. I later realized it was partially a real physical need, not an obsession, since he wasn’t masturbating or getting relief some other way, which I am thankful for. I read somewhere that if you have sex more, it actually decreases the necessity for frequent sex over time for most men. I tried that but it didn’t seem to change anything for Mark.

There were issues of abuse underlying my lack of desire, so I needed to deal with those first. This was scary for me to embark on, but we were at a breaking point. I asked God to renew my mind, and He began that process through my study of the Song of Solomon, reading Bible-based books on sex and marriage, and having honest conversations with Mark. I asked him to pray for and with me when I was struggling with sex, which built trust and intimacy, and I think it started to break his bitterness since he was finally seeing change. I wasn’t feeling as forced to change but more invited to change for God’s glory and our mutual enjoyment.

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My feeling of being broken started to fade as we talked very honestly about how we could build mutual intimacy. I wanted to see sex as a gift from the Lord, but it didn’t come without hard work and obedience to the Holy Spirit’s conviction. After working through the past abuse issues, God told me to have sex frequently and He would bring my heart and mind along. I needed to obey Him first and trust Him to change me along the way. This took some time, but God has faithfully given me a new perspective and continues to work with me on more freedom