Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [72]
Ready to Respond
As I previously mentioned, our church was on a mission to equip people as best and as efficiently as possible to serve the people in our congregation who had suffered abuse. The number of abuse victims was in the hundreds or more, just with those we were aware of at that point. For most churches, this topic is taboo and not discussed, but for us it had to be. Several elders were researching and trying out different programs but to no avail. Most weren’t gospel centered or they focused wrongly on helping behavior rather than the person’s heart. God cares about our hearts, and we needed something Jesus and Bible focused, so the elders decided to write their own material and train our people.
How does abuse make the victim feel? Abused people may experience many feelings, including anger, shame, fear, confusion, condemnation, despair, anxiety, decreased sex drive, panic attacks, sleep disturbance, denial, guilt, and embarrassment. So what do we do if we have been abused? I strongly agree with the Holcombs, who say, “The only way to move from denial, isolation, and self-protection is to look honestly at the assault that has been done to you. Healing begins when the secret is disclosed and the shackles of silence are broken.”11 I would never have agreed with this before having to do this with my own abuse. As I did, you may think it doesn’t seem possible that talking about it with trustworthy people who can help or “reliving” the horror could in any way be healing. Perhaps you don’t want to see how much it has affected your life in negative ways. But we each need a new identity so that we don’t feel condemned by our sin. Jesus loves us because He is love, not because of who we are or pretend to be. He created us, chose us, and has unfailing love for us. We did nothing to deserve His love and can’t do anything to lose it. This is an invitation to respond to His love. As you respond, the condemnation will begin to fade.
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When a Friend Shares Her History of Abuse
Over the years, I’ve had conversations with women who completely deny that sexual assault, including by their own fathers, has at all affected their marriages. Such women are prone to say it’s in the past and they have moved on. Similar to my own story, some wrongly believe it’s best not to tell their husbands about the assault because it will hurt their spouses more to reveal the truth. Had I not experienced the fruit of dealing with the past, I would have counseled them to continue concealing the truth to avoid the pain. In reality, the pain is worse when we live in denial of truth. By God’s grace, I get to hear stories of redemption and enjoy my own. We get to actually comfort others with the comfort we have received when we take what we have learned and share it with other women. When a friend tells you about her history of abuse, that is the important first step to walking on the road to redemption. Be a tender listener and safe confidante. Pray for and with her, and ask God for wisdom, truth, and healing in the journey.
Responding in Love
This was all new for Mark, and he was going through a hard time with the church as well. Again, the timing didn’t seem ideal, but God was working in him too. My poor husband had a wife who was “falling apart” and being put back together slowly. He tried his best to listen and respond lovingly. He asked good but hard questions to get me beyond scratching the surface. Sometimes his responses caused fear all over again, and I wanted to run, but I had to stop believing the lies of the Enemy and trust God to change me and bring Mark along in the process. As he started to see my complete brokenness, he didn’t use it to hurt me; he became more tender with me. He felt as if I finally needed him in our marriage, which he hadn’t felt before due to my lack of emotion toward him.
Mark had actually been the one to remove me from the abusive relationship when he stepped in as my boyfriend. He protected me from further harm during those years but had somehow become the “bad” guy in my mind after that. I enjoyed